[[The]] Fucking Prettyboy [entries|friends|calendar] Fucking Alan INFO|FRIENDS|CALENDAR [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

another long while / I don't even fucking know [Monday August 24th At 10:49PM] [ mood | high ] [ music | Camera Obscura - French Navy ] Its been more than a year since I last saw Samantha it honestly feels good to not deal with someone that once told you they loved you. I feel as if she were to knock on my door while I'm asleep, I'll open the door, give her a dollar, and tell her to find a cab so she can rent a hotel room because I have no time for bullshit. UP TOP ALAN! I also gave everything we once owned to charity I figured it would be good karma :] I'm a new man! I can finally feel say that I'm ready again to see people. on top of that I got a new bike frame, bahahahah! Shay was right, I think about bikes more than women...I don't really know what her deal is it is as if we always click when we kick it, and not because we slept together... but it may be because she is just a mix of a sailor and a librarian I couldn't keep up if I wanted to, but her intentions were and always be good what a woman I hope shes ok, and out of that whole kidney infection that was stopping her from traveling around the entire US I feel good I feel fucking great and I'm not satisfied with the few places I have been to and I have been to many not enough never enough and so many people out there! I WILL find you! ps.Amanda leaves this sunday :/ My other friend Amanda and Mike just moved to socal this past saturday.... stop leaving damn it! Torch the shovels!

I visited our once called home on friday [Monday November 3rd At 3:21PM] [ mood | THRILLED! ] So I did and as expected, I broke down I was glad to have company, otherwise I would've been shit as i was looking for the potato squeezer I was listening to Ceremony early, and it reminded me of how much I hate people. well, not people, just you. there's not much to tell really I don't have anything interesting to say at the moment, I used the word "I" too often when "I" write does that mean I'm selfish? better go out and bike in the rain again, that was fun, and it looks like there is another storm coming "I" love you california, and "I" can't wait for it to rain to bike again... ps. if you don't plan on voting, FUCK, YOU Torch the shovels!

Lately [Thursday October 30th At 2:19AM] [ music | Phantom Float ] I haven't been writting as much lately I'm trying to keep myself busy because I can't stand being at home if you don't know this by now, I'm a people's person, strictly for the people. But I'm running out of ideas... Lately I have been trying to get out of the box to break free and do more things with my life besides partying so much Then again sometimes I feel like I'm just stuck with the people I'm surrounded by either that or I'm just lazy and I haven't taken any action For instance, as you may know I passed my State Board Red Cross Exam and I'm now a certified CNA (certified nurse assistant for those of you who were wondering what the abreviation stand for) I have the chance to work 2 jobs and live this other life it means less social life But I would have my own place, and i would be able to have people over I wouldn't be so broke all the time, I could save up and move on life Am I not mature? does something really awful need to happen before I take any disciplinary action? Am I too laid back? lately these are some questions that have been haunting me for a while now and I do enjoy riding my bike and I do enjoy the company of Julia (this is the girl I'm now dating, after having so much shit happen to me and after i thought I wouldn't be able to find someone trustworthy again, but she's moving back to Austria on December 20th, therefore we're just...dating...per say) and good friends and I do enjoy being myself I don't know what's wrong with me lately But I seem to be ok with it Today thursday 30th, I'm going to Monterey, yes, the beautiful city where I once lived while I was married... I'm going to make sure that our furniture, and appliances are still at the storage space we once rented. The office had sent me a bill telling me that the space we had rented hadn't been paid for months now This obviously means Samantha stopped paying since I never really care to keep what she had once touched to leave her marks of broken heart So i'm going today to hopefully pay the amount due, which is only $131 Although I am scared, and terrified The drive back next to the beach will remind me of the 101 times we drove back from the bay, listening to her Brand New and sleepy face resting on the passenger seat while we arrive home I still remember the smell of our once called apartment I don't want to remember...I just don't want to remember Life otherwise has been steady I wake up everyday to get the ball rolling with enthusiasm I stay positive and try to spread the vibes with whomever that might be around I'm staying healthy, riding the same streets, I seek the same sense of dull peace, I talk to the same people, I meet new people, and I go to places Lately...I feel like something is missing...I don't want to remember... but these Phantom Float tracks have already done their damage... everyone else, tell me about your life "lately" 4 torched the treasure! // Torch the shovels!

part 2 [Monday February 25th At 12:17AM] [ mood | disappointed ] [ music | fuck ] OneWshfulthnker (10:06:21 PM): and if we happen to invent something, cool OneWshfulthnker (10:06:26 PM): but i mean really OneWshfulthnker (10:06:31 PM): when we die, thats it OneWshfulthnker (10:06:41 PM): we are a small person amongst 6 billion OneWshfulthnker (10:06:53 PM): we really don't make much of a difference Alanwaitwhat (10:08:22 PM): doesn't it fascinate that we can think!? I dn't get how that is not a big deal, animals just sleep, eat, procreate and die, everything that is in front of them at that very second is their life; WE can chose to do things, to get in planes, to create, to ride cards, to buy things, we empower ourselves to do better everyday, and other don't OneWshfulthnker (10:08:40 PM): but in the end OneWshfulthnker (10:08:42 PM): it doesn't matter Alanwaitwhat (10:08:46 PM): it is a HUGE thing, we're not only animals but we posses self awareness, something animals never will be able to do OneWshfulthnker (10:08:47 PM): it just doesnt OneWshfulthnker (10:09:04 PM): and who is to say none of this is real? Alanwaitwhat (10:09:09 PM): what do you mean in the end doesn't matter? don't you want to pass those things onto others? Alanwaitwhat (10:09:24 PM): don't you want to influence or leave something for the world to remember you as? OneWshfulthnker (10:09:35 PM): that everyone exist on different levels of conscience and we just happen to coincide with one another OneWshfulthnker (10:09:46 PM): the world will not remember me in 100 years Alanwaitwhat (10:10:24 PM): then if none of this exists, then how can you feel and go through so many experiences? OneWshfulthnker (10:10:43 PM): maybe it exists to me OneWshfulthnker (10:10:53 PM): and its completely different with you Alanwaitwhat (10:10:54 PM): and if the world won't remember you, at least you did your best to leave your mark and i'm sure that someone will remember me OneWshfulthnker (10:10:57 PM): I DON'T KNOW OneWshfulthnker (10:11:00 PM): i question everything Alanwaitwhat (10:11:01 PM): and i refused to be forgotten OneWshfulthnker (10:11:05 PM): well OneWshfulthnker (10:11:06 PM): see OneWshfulthnker (10:11:10 PM): i know iw will be forgotton Alanwaitwhat (10:11:19 PM): i respect that OneWshfulthnker (10:11:20 PM): it just a simple person OneWshfulthnker (10:11:47 PM): i'm* Alanwaitwhat (10:11:48 PM): you're a beautiful woman fighting for your country Alanwaitwhat (10:11:53 PM): don't ever say you're just a simple person Alanwaitwhat (10:12:00 PM): we all value what you're doing Alanwaitwhat (10:12:10 PM): and i admire  you for what you're going through Alanwaitwhat (10:12:18 PM): so does everyone in VA OneWshfulthnker (10:12:23 PM): but i also so sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much going on in this world Alanwaitwhat (10:12:24 PM): my family that is now yours OneWshfulthnker (10:12:32 PM): things you wouldn't even dream of OneWshfulthnker (10:12:42 PM): and i believe if there was a god OneWshfulthnker (10:12:48 PM): none of this would happen OneWshfulthnker (10:12:57 PM): just like i wouldn't question my marriage OneWshfulthnker (10:13:06 PM): because he would point me in the right path OneWshfulthnker (10:13:11 PM): but i just don't know Alanwaitwhat (10:13:21 PM): you can't ask for something only when you want an answer Alanwaitwhat (10:13:31 PM): it doesn't happen that way Alanwaitwhat (10:13:53 PM): you keep faith, you keep loyalty, and you keep what you treasured the most close to your heart OneWshfulthnker (10:13:55 PM): i know that OneWshfulthnker (10:14:00 PM): i don't have faith though OneWshfulthnker (10:14:03 PM): i don't Alanwaitwhat (10:14:08 PM): everyone only thinks about God when something awful happens Alanwaitwhat (10:14:28 PM): then its something you might want to consider, and i know you won't because you're just not like that OneWshfulthnker (10:14:28 PM): no not necessarily OneWshfulthnker (10:14:40 PM): my happiness and good times are a direct result of something i did Alanwaitwhat (10:15:02 PM): then there is a purpse in life then, that nothing is meaningless Alanwaitwhat (10:15:12 PM): that you conduct your actions through your thoughts OneWshfulthnker (10:15:14 PM): it doesn't mean its a purpose Alanwaitwhat (10:15:28 PM): but you're choosing to do those things Alanwaitwhat (10:15:40 PM): how is it not a purpose if you're choosing and making decisions? OneWshfulthnker (10:15:41 PM): there is no "end goal" in life OneWshfulthnker (10:15:47 PM): you areborn, you live, you die OneWshfulthnker (10:15:51 PM): nothing special Alanwaitwhat (10:16:03 PM): then where would you be if you would have never been born? OneWshfulthnker (10:16:10 PM): i wouldn't exist OneWshfulthnker (10:16:14 PM): i wouldn't have been anymore Alanwaitwhat (10:16:17 PM): how does that make you feel? OneWshfulthnker (10:16:18 PM): anywhere OneWshfulthnker (10:16:31 PM): i don't feel about that OneWshfulthnker (10:17:00 PM): i just acknowledge that me being born was because my mother and father procreated OneWshfulthnker (10:17:09 PM): it was luck OneWshfulthnker (10:17:18 PM): their genes mixed and i was formed OneWshfulthnker (10:17:37 PM): its not like this "god" picked me out and said hey,, you are going to do good things for this world Alanwaitwhat (10:17:39 PM): we all have been given the chance to experience this Life Alanwaitwhat (10:18:08 PM): and i'm grateful for being put in this world OneWshfulthnker (10:18:23 PM): well to me, it was just luck Alanwaitwhat (10:18:24 PM): is it not a big deal? OneWshfulthnker (10:18:26 PM): no OneWshfulthnker (10:18:29 PM): its not a big deal OneWshfulthnker (10:18:37 PM): everybody is the same Alanwaitwhat (10:18:37 PM): hmmm OneWshfulthnker (10:18:41 PM): no one is special alan Alanwaitwhat (10:18:52 PM): i never said there are special people OneWshfulthnker (10:18:54 PM): i know OneWshfulthnker (10:19:03 PM): hence i'm just saying OneWshfulthnker (10:19:07 PM): its not a big deal OneWshfulthnker (10:19:14 PM): and you believe it is OneWshfulthnker (10:19:16 PM): its your life OneWshfulthnker (10:19:20 PM): you can believe what you want Alanwaitwhat (10:19:52 PM): if science is so important to you, then how does the fact that we have the ability to think doesn't fascinate you, thats almost defying darwin's theory and what you stand for like the big bang OneWshfulthnker (10:20:12 PM): it does facinate me Alanwaitwhat (10:20:15 PM): the ability for ordinary animals to evolve and think OneWshfulthnker (10:20:15 PM): but i dunno Alanwaitwhat (10:20:21 PM): lol you just said it didn't OneWshfulthnker (10:20:42 PM): but i question how do i think? OneWshfulthnker (10:20:48 PM): how do i know animals don't think? OneWshfulthnker (10:20:57 PM): and thats it just a part of every creature OneWshfulthnker (10:21:08 PM): hence it not being important Alanwaitwhat (10:22:32 PM): human beings are guided through electrical impulses, thse go through your brain and allow you to think, unlike for animals, don't have the capacity to retain anything that goes on in their life, don't get me wrong, animals can think, yes, but they don't have what us as human beings makes us so different from them OneWshfulthnker (10:22:51 PM): i'm going to bed Alanwaitwhat (10:23:07 PM): are you ok? OneWshfulthnker (10:23:15 PM): we really are just two completely different people Alanwaitwhat (10:23:25 PM): i'm just letting you know how i think OneWshfulthnker (10:23:25 PM): i understand that fact more and more every day OneWshfulthnker (10:23:29 PM): i know that OneWshfulthnker (10:23:36 PM): we think differently Alanwaitwhat (10:23:37 PM): you're choosing to pull away Alanwaitwhat (10:23:41 PM): its not my fault OneWshfulthnker (10:23:54 PM): i'm not CHOOSING to pull away OneWshfulthnker (10:23:57 PM): its just OneWshfulthnker (10:23:59 PM): ;alksndg;kajgnkljb Alanwaitwhat (10:24:02 PM): ... Alanwaitwhat (10:24:03 PM): yeah Alanwaitwhat (10:24:21 PM): you dont have to say anything anymore Alanwaitwhat (10:24:25 PM): i get the hint Alanwaitwhat (10:24:26 PM): ... OneWshfulthnker (10:24:29 PM): i don't understand how i feel so differently about you as compared to the same time last year OneWshfulthnker (10:24:36 PM): that boggles me OneWshfulthnker (10:24:44 PM): the hint? OneWshfulthnker (10:24:47 PM): about what? Alanwaitwhat (10:24:53 PM): forget that part Alanwaitwhat (10:24:56 PM): but OneWshfulthnker (10:25:03 PM): you said it for a reason Alanwaitwhat (10:25:04 PM): you're allowing youself to be put in that situation OneWshfulthnker (10:25:15 PM): i'm going with the flow OneWshfulthnker (10:25:22 PM): i don't want to stay stagnant and boring Alanwaitwhat (10:25:32 PM): is that what you call us then? OneWshfulthnker (10:25:41 PM): not necessarily Alanwaitwhat (10:25:46 PM): and it doesn't have to be that way if you dn't let it Alanwaitwhat (10:25:48 PM): but lately OneWshfulthnker (10:25:50 PM): butt i think it could very well be in the future Alanwaitwhat (10:26:01 PM): you're so convinced that you nothing will work out OneWshfulthnker (10:26:01 PM): i don't feel very stimulated lately OneWshfulthnker (10:26:07 PM): i never said that Alanwaitwhat (10:26:08 PM): that you just think that way every time i talk to you OneWshfulthnker (10:26:19 PM): i said things could change when we get to maryland OneWshfulthnker (10:26:28 PM): but RIGHT NOW at this very second OneWshfulthnker (10:26:38 PM): i'm not happy with it for some unknown reason Alanwaitwhat (10:26:46 PM): i keep that in mind at all times but you're more negative than positive lately OneWshfulthnker (10:26:57 PM): no OneWshfulthnker (10:27:02 PM): its being realistic Alanwaitwhat (10:27:18 PM): mama you're choosing to have feeling for some other guy! Alanwaitwhat (10:27:34 PM): how is THAT being realistic? for "my god"'s sake Alanwaitwhat (10:27:45 PM): or for science's sake OneWshfulthnker (10:27:46 PM): why don't YOU try having a job where your mere translation can determine whether people live or die? OneWshfulthnker (10:27:57 PM): then lets see you stay so posi all the time OneWshfulthnker (10:28:07 PM): i'm not choosing anything alan OneWshfulthnker (10:28:13 PM): its just happening Alanwaitwhat (10:28:15 PM): now you're throwing things in my face Alanwaitwhat (10:28:28 PM): how can that influence in the way you feel then! OneWshfulthnker (10:28:34 PM): i'm not throwing it in yourr face Alanwaitwhat (10:28:38 PM): how does people diying influence how you feel towards me? OneWshfulthnker (10:28:38 PM): i'm saying Alanwaitwhat (10:28:42 PM): i don't understand OneWshfulthnker (10:28:51 PM): you can't stay so posi all the time OneWshfulthnker (10:28:56 PM): its not realisic Alanwaitwhat (10:28:57 PM): and i MAY NOT havd a jjob where people die Alanwaitwhat (10:29:01 PM): or where people depend on me OneWshfulthnker (10:29:03 PM): i'm not negative OneWshfulthnker (10:29:11 PM): i'm just telling it how it is Alanwaitwhat (10:29:13 PM): but you should feel really lucky to have the chance to represent your country! Alanwaitwhat (10:29:19 PM): you chose to do this OneWshfulthnker (10:29:20 PM): i don't think you understand the stress level Alanwaitwhat (10:29:23 PM): and you signed that contract OneWshfulthnker (10:29:28 PM): yes i did Alanwaitwhat (10:29:36 PM): you should feel proud OneWshfulthnker (10:29:43 PM): but i don't think i would have if i knew i was going to go through all this Alanwaitwhat (10:30:08 PM): i dont think you would've either, we been through this before and i know how you feel about the subject OneWshfulthnker (10:31:25 PM): it just bugs me to think that you live in this happy go lucky naive world sometimes OneWshfulthnker (10:31:33 PM): where everything is good and happy OneWshfulthnker (10:31:38 PM): life isn't like that Alanwaitwhat (10:31:57 PM): what is this invitation thing? ATTENTION (10:31:58 PM): Talk session initiated. Alanwaitwhat (10:32:03 PM): ? ATTENTION (10:32:13 PM): Talk session disconnected. OneWshfulthnker (10:32:19 PM): i dunno OneWshfulthnker (10:32:26 PM): i think i accidentily clicked on it Alanwaitwhat (10:32:31 PM): and no i don't live in this happy world Alanwaitwhat (10:32:33 PM): asi told you Alanwaitwhat (10:33:25 PM): i know whats going on in the world, i'm not about to go over it again, but I'm NOT going to let that influence my life, there is just no way, i want the best for the people I care about, I want the best for them, and I want the best for me Alanwaitwhat (10:33:38 PM): in a world of greed, i'm not about to care for the greedy OneWshfulthnker (10:34:19 PM): ........... OneWshfulthnker (10:34:21 PM): i dunno alan OneWshfulthnker (10:34:25 PM): i just don't know anymroe Alanwaitwhat (10:35:34 PM): its ok, you don't have to worry about me making wrong decisions while I am away from you; you know what you have to do OneWshfulthnker (10:36:44 PM): i know what i have to do? OneWshfulthnker (10:36:46 PM): what is that? Alanwaitwhat (10:37:03 PM): thats up to you mamacita Alanwaitwhat (10:37:12 PM): i can't control your decisions OneWshfulthnker (10:37:22 PM): i don't know what you expect of me OneWshfulthnker (10:38:08 PM): and i dunno if i could live up to your expectations Alanwaitwhat (10:38:08 PM): I expect you to be the same woman that is having the same conversations that i'm having with you when we get to MD Alanwaitwhat (10:38:32 PM): i expect you to be as open as you are right now when we get to MD Alanwaitwhat (10:39:03 PM): and have everything out in the open, to read with me and getting involved in conversations like this while we have coffee or enjoy a nice morning together Alanwaitwhat (10:39:25 PM): that's who i expect you to be, because I already know you can handle yourself without me Alanwaitwhat (10:40:13 PM): and i knew this all along, i'm not putting you conditions, give you rules or any of that, because i'm not that kind of man, and if i was like that, i would dispatch myself because i would only want the best for you OneWshfulthnker (10:40:58 PM): to be realistic again....what if there is no passion OneWshfulthnker (10:41:05 PM): and i keep feeling this way? Alanwaitwhat (10:41:40 PM): then i would have to ask you, how are you so sure since we have been away for 2 months? long distance relationships have these kind of issues Alanwaitwhat (10:42:35 PM): and i'm married so i know its not anything like a bf/gf kind of thing where either of 'em can just break up, and move on, when something that can really last a life time is right there OneWshfulthnker (10:42:53 PM): what scares me is Alanwaitwhat (10:43:04 PM): what is it? OneWshfulthnker (10:43:09 PM): if we were just bf/gf....we would have broken up a long time ago Alanwaitwhat (10:43:39 PM): but we made a decision, as a couple OneWshfulthnker (10:43:49 PM): i know Alanwaitwhat (10:43:49 PM): and its not about you , or about me OneWshfulthnker (10:43:54 PM): i know Alanwaitwhat (10:43:54 PM): it is about US OneWshfulthnker (10:43:57 PM): i know OneWshfulthnker (10:44:00 PM): and honestly OneWshfulthnker (10:44:03 PM): i hate that sometimes OneWshfulthnker (10:44:16 PM): because i have toworry about breaking your heart, or your feelings OneWshfulthnker (10:44:23 PM): i can't be young and selfish Alanwaitwhat (10:45:11 PM): this is why i say that for you i go through hell and back Alanwaitwhat (10:45:23 PM): because one day you can be the sweetest woman that i fell in love with Alanwaitwhat (10:45:34 PM): the next one you are telling me about this other guy Alanwaitwhat (10:45:45 PM): and i really hate that, all the time Alanwaitwhat (10:46:08 PM): and I'm making the biggest sacrifice to let myself be put through this Alanwaitwhat (10:46:35 PM): because i have faith on us, because i know this is just a phase and things will get better OneWshfulthnker (10:46:39 PM): no one said i wold be the same forever OneWshfulthnker (10:46:41 PM): no one Alanwaitwhat (10:47:48 PM): once again, we all make decisions that we are all very aware of OneWshfulthnker (10:48:54 PM): i wish we would have known each other better before we decided we were mature enough to get married OneWshfulthnker (10:49:06 PM): and waited like 5 years OneWshfulthnker (10:49:15 PM): but its too late for that Alanwaitwhat (10:49:34 PM): you remind me of this everytime mamacita OneWshfulthnker (10:49:45 PM): well its also what i think about all the time Alanwaitwhat (10:49:58 PM): and this is whats getting you doubt on us Alanwaitwhat (10:50:13 PM): so i guess that now i can see where it all comes from OneWshfulthnker (10:50:28 PM): i'm young OneWshfulthnker (10:50:31 PM): and i'm selfish OneWshfulthnker (10:50:37 PM): and being forced to grow up OneWshfulthnker (10:50:49 PM): i don't want to go to maryland and it be the same as monterey OneWshfulthnker (10:51:02 PM): i felt like you were my child as opposed to my husband sometiems Alanwaitwhat (10:51:04 PM): its not going to, how many times do i have to tell you? Alanwaitwhat (10:51:14 PM): and i know you need actions Alanwaitwhat (10:51:19 PM): but you'll have to wait till we get there Alanwaitwhat (10:51:25 PM): and i know you don't have patience OneWshfulthnker (10:51:27 PM): talk is cheap alan OneWshfulthnker (10:51:29 PM): real cheap Alanwaitwhat (10:51:44 PM): then what do i have to do to prove it?!!!!! OneWshfulthnker (10:51:47 PM): i knwo you are working hard now OneWshfulthnker (10:51:48 PM): i do Alanwaitwhat (10:51:51 PM): do i have to go right now and already get a job there? Alanwaitwhat (10:52:04 PM): you're telling alllllllllll of this OneWshfulthnker (10:52:04 PM): not right now Alanwaitwhat (10:52:06 PM): and its putting me down Alanwaitwhat (10:52:10 PM): while all i'm doing is Alanwaitwhat (10:52:16 PM): do the best of the best that i can do Alanwaitwhat (10:52:25 PM): and i'm still not working at my full potential OneWshfulthnker (10:52:29 PM): you just need to be secure enough on your own Alanwaitwhat (10:52:36 PM): but all this negativity is just getting really old Alanwaitwhat (10:52:45 PM): DON"T WORRY ABOUT ME! OneWshfulthnker (10:52:47 PM): right now, could you even move out and be secure enough to live on your own? Alanwaitwhat (10:52:49 PM): i already said that Alanwaitwhat (10:53:52 PM): you're not the only one going through changes, its being very difficult for me too, and i really don't know anymore just like you, we're not different you and I OneWshfulthnker (10:54:03 PM): actually alan OneWshfulthnker (10:54:12 PM): we are as different as night and day OneWshfulthnker (10:54:19 PM): we weren't at first OneWshfulthnker (10:54:22 PM): but now OneWshfulthnker (10:54:25 PM): i mean come one OneWshfulthnker (10:54:26 PM): on Alanwaitwhat (10:54:32 PM): we grow up! Alanwaitwhat (10:54:35 PM): everyone grows up Alanwaitwhat (10:54:39 PM): and YOU need accept that OneWshfulthnker (10:54:40 PM): and grow apart too Alanwaitwhat (10:54:46 PM): you need to deal with it as part of your life OneWshfulthnker (10:54:47 PM): i know we grow up OneWshfulthnker (10:54:57 PM): i'm doing it right now and i hate it Alanwaitwhat (10:55:00 PM): you cannot be a young kid and make mistakes foreveer, thats ridiculous Alanwaitwhat (10:55:04 PM): thats not what life is about OneWshfulthnker (10:55:05 PM): its the worst part of this stupid stupid life Alanwaitwhat (10:55:25 PM): LOOK AT what you're SAyiNG!!! Alanwaitwhat (10:55:33 PM): you're so depressed is not even funny OneWshfulthnker (10:55:49 PM): ? OneWshfulthnker (10:55:55 PM): its not like i want to die or anything Alanwaitwhat (10:56:12 PM): read what you're saying though! take a closer look OneWshfulthnker (10:56:37 PM): what? Alanwaitwhat (10:56:41 PM): you're acting like a kid who doesn't want to take their medicine, and you're now looking comfort where you can't get it OneWshfulthnker (10:56:51 PM): i'm sleepy! Alanwaitwhat (10:56:57 PM): or because you don't think you can get it with me OneWshfulthnker (10:57:10 PM): and currious, and i just get frustrated with you OneWshfulthnker (10:57:21 PM): every time we talk, i just feel like you dont' get it Alanwaitwhat (10:57:36 PM): mamacita Alanwaitwhat (10:57:40 PM): i'm going to tell you something OneWshfulthnker (10:57:44 PM): ? Alanwaitwhat (10:59:31 PM): I may not know how stressful this all is, but I care about your well being.  I also know you get frustrated with me, but every single time we talk online or on the phone, you end up finding one single excuse to get frustrated with me.  If i ask you questions is because i'm trying to understand what you say "i don't get" I want to see how you feel in order to help you out Alanwaitwhat (11:00:23 PM): every single talk we have consists on an argument, and as i told you, the last thing i want to do is irritate you because i don't want to put more stress in your shoulders, so how can you not get agitated when you're pushing your own buttons? Alanwaitwhat (11:01:12 PM): every single talk has been like these and i strongly believe this is why you are talking to another guy OneWshfulthnker (11:01:32 PM): what?  because we argue? Alanwaitwhat (11:01:41 PM): no i don't argue Alanwaitwhat (11:01:59 PM): i state my points in a polite way every time, i rarely storm out Alanwaitwhat (11:02:22 PM): unless i'm being made fun of the things that i stand for OneWshfulthnker (11:02:35 PM): this other guy is completely 180 degrees different from you OneWshfulthnker (11:02:40 PM): and thats why i like talking to him Alanwaitwhat (11:02:58 PM): you're so cold Alanwaitwhat (11:03:47 PM): You used to not be like this, ever, what happend to you? what is happening to you? what are people doing to you over there OneWshfulthnker (11:04:11 PM): no one is doing anything OneWshfulthnker (11:04:22 PM): i don't think i'm cold OneWshfulthnker (11:04:25 PM): but i do agree OneWshfulthnker (11:04:32 PM): that i wasn't so much like this OneWshfulthnker (11:04:47 PM): i just suppressed it all the time to live up to this nice girl image OneWshfulthnker (11:04:59 PM): i realize i don'thave to be like that Alanwaitwhat (11:05:03 PM): and instead you're turning into a huge mess Alanwaitwhat (11:05:11 PM): i can't believe you samantha OneWshfulthnker (11:05:11 PM): I AM A HUGE MESS OneWshfulthnker (11:05:12 PM): i know OneWshfulthnker (11:05:19 PM): huh? Alanwaitwhat (11:05:44 PM): i dont' have any more words to give you right now Alanwaitwhat (11:05:59 PM): i'm done talking to you today, you have done enough hurting for tonight OneWshfulthnker (11:06:11 PM): i'm hurting you? OneWshfulthnker (11:06:27 PM): i thought you wanted me to tell you waht i feel OneWshfulthnker (11:06:33 PM): and i'm sorry but the truth hurts OneWshfulthnker (11:06:47 PM): so i guess from now on , i 'll just keep my feeling inside and not tell you a thing OneWshfulthnker (11:06:56 PM): maybe then that'll make you happy Alanwaitwhat (11:06:57 PM): i would never put you through this shit and i would state my words in a way that you wouldn't get so hurt at least OneWshfulthnker (11:07:01 PM): ignorance is bliss right? Alanwaitwhat (11:07:07 PM): gawd damn it listen to yourself! Alanwaitwhat (11:07:18 PM): you're flipping out on me OneWshfulthnker (11:07:21 PM): i'm not going to beat around this bush OneWshfulthnker (11:07:25 PM): i'm not flipping out OneWshfulthnker (11:07:30 PM): i'm actually calm right now Alanwaitwhat (11:07:48 PM): you really are a huge mess OneWshfulthnker (11:08:00 PM): maybe i just need to get laid Alanwaitwhat (11:08:00 PM): get back to me when you really feel like talking mamacita Alanwaitwhat (11:08:06 PM): ... OneWshfulthnker (11:08:10 PM): i'm talking to you! OneWshfulthnker (11:08:22 PM): i really dont' know what you want from me OneWshfulthnker (11:08:25 PM): i just don't Alanwaitwhat (11:08:32 PM): i want you to get your shit straight Alanwaitwhat (11:08:35 PM): because right now Alanwaitwhat (11:08:39 PM): you're not helping yourself OneWshfulthnker (11:08:39 PM): and i'm starting to think maybe that i'm not good enough for you Alanwaitwhat (11:08:41 PM): you're not helping me OneWshfulthnker (11:08:43 PM): because i am a mess OneWshfulthnker (11:08:46 PM): and i don't know what i want Alanwaitwhat (11:08:47 PM): and you're not doing any good to either of us Alanwaitwhat (11:08:59 PM): why aren't you good enough for me!!!!!! OneWshfulthnker (11:09:01 PM): and you are this nice little boy and i don't want to ruin your posi attitude Alanwaitwhat (11:09:02 PM): i chose you!!!! Alanwaitwhat (11:09:08 PM): upon alllllllllllll these women in this world OneWshfulthnker (11:09:14 PM): i'm not a good girl OneWshfulthnker (11:09:16 PM): i'm not Alanwaitwhat (11:09:32 PM): you're so blinded with this guy that all you want is get rid of me OneWshfulthnker (11:09:38 PM): NO OneWshfulthnker (11:09:41 PM): ITS NOT LIKE THAT OneWshfulthnker (11:09:43 PM): alan OneWshfulthnker (11:09:48 PM): do i have to tell you again OneWshfulthnker (11:09:55 PM): I WASN'T HAPPY IN MONTEREY EITHER OneWshfulthnker (11:10:03 PM): i haven't been happy for a really long time OneWshfulthnker (11:10:21 PM): that doesn't mean there are periods where i was really happy Alanwaitwhat (11:10:27 PM): then why the hell wouldn't we talk about these? OneWshfulthnker (11:10:36 PM): BECASUE YOU WOULDN'T TALK TO ME Alanwaitwhat (11:10:44 PM): you would never bring things up! OneWshfulthnker (11:10:44 PM): you ALWAYS ran out to austin Alanwaitwhat (11:10:48 PM): NO FUCK THAT OneWshfulthnker (11:10:48 PM): YES I WOULD Alanwaitwhat (11:10:53 PM): don't bring him into this OneWshfulthnker (11:11:00 PM): or you would go somewhere on a walk Alanwaitwhat (11:11:09 PM): so what if i like walks to refresh myself OneWshfulthnker (11:11:13 PM): i feel like i have to walk on eggshells around you Alanwaitwhat (11:11:48 PM): its never too late to do what we never had the chance to Alanwaitwhat (11:11:54 PM): what part of that don't you udnerstand OneWshfulthnker (11:12:07 PM): right now i don't know Alanwaitwhat (11:12:08 PM): you're so trapped into this way of thinking, that its not going to work out OneWshfulthnker (11:12:10 PM): i feel so trapped OneWshfulthnker (11:12:18 PM): no i do think it could work out Alanwaitwhat (11:12:23 PM): and thats what i been trying to tell you, i'm not putting you limits or setting you rules! OneWshfulthnker (11:12:29 PM): but at this point in my life all i want is freedom OneWshfulthnker (11:12:52 PM): i want to drive back to virginia so bad OneWshfulthnker (11:12:53 PM): and i can't Alanwaitwhat (11:12:57 PM): and i can't believe you're actging like this because you  think that all you need is sex OneWshfulthnker (11:13:00 PM): cause the military has me tied up here OneWshfulthnker (11:13:05 PM): no OneWshfulthnker (11:13:11 PM): not everythign is about you Alanwaitwhat (11:13:16 PM): it never is about me Alanwaitwhat (11:13:18 PM): its YOU OneWshfulthnker (11:13:20 PM): every part of my life i feel trapped Alanwaitwhat (11:13:26 PM): its YOU and YOUR decisions thas why i care about you OneWshfulthnker (11:13:28 PM): not jsut marriage OneWshfulthnker (11:14:16 PM): i don't know why i'm not happy OneWshfulthnker (11:14:19 PM): idon't OneWshfulthnker (11:15:22 PM): i know you are trying really hard OneWshfulthnker (11:15:45 PM): but i feel like we are going and wanting two competely different directions OneWshfulthnker (11:15:53 PM): and i know you want to make me happy OneWshfulthnker (11:16:07 PM): i just don't know if i can do that for you Alanwaitwhat (11:16:16 PM): let me ask you this OneWshfulthnker (11:16:20 PM): be this good wife OneWshfulthnker (11:16:23 PM): i don't want kids OneWshfulthnker (11:16:27 PM): i don't believe in god OneWshfulthnker (11:16:34 PM): and i'm not a happy posi person Alanwaitwhat (11:17:06 PM): you're jeopardizing all of this just because you miss fooling around OneWshfulthnker (11:17:20 PM): no Alanwaitwhat (11:17:23 PM): you're very immature and i feel sorry Alanwaitwhat (11:17:34 PM): specially for putting me through marriage OneWshfulthnker (11:17:35 PM): i miss the excitement of dating and meeting new people OneWshfulthnker (11:17:43 PM): iknow i'm immature OneWshfulthnker (11:17:47 PM): you don't have to tell me that Alanwaitwhat (11:18:33 PM): i do to remind you of how fucked up these things that you're telling me are, its like i'm taking care of you now as your parent, i have to try to guide you through good decisions Alanwaitwhat (11:18:47 PM): completelly opposite to things in monterey OneWshfulthnker (11:19:10 PM): yup OneWshfulthnker (11:19:14 PM): i can't disagree OneWshfulthnker (11:19:34 PM): but as i was talking to my instuctor OneWshfulthnker (11:20:13 PM): when you put people through these highly intense and stressful situations, they tend to act completley the opposite, and i'm exhibiting those exact qualities OneWshfulthnker (11:20:27 PM): not to plead my case or anything Alanwaitwhat (11:20:46 PM): you're pushing me away Alanwaitwhat (11:20:59 PM): and its all you OneWshfulthnker (11:21:06 PM): i'm pushing EVERYONE away Alanwaitwhat (11:21:29 PM): how are you pushing everyone away and having someone that makes you have butterflies still talk to you Alanwaitwhat (11:21:39 PM): you make no sense mamacita OneWshfulthnker (11:21:44 PM): because OneWshfulthnker (11:21:53 PM): after these three months OneWshfulthnker (11:21:56 PM): i really dont' have to see him OneWshfulthnker (11:21:59 PM): so that way OneWshfulthnker (11:22:00 PM): really OneWshfulthnker (11:22:02 PM): its done OneWshfulthnker (11:22:09 PM): i can't explain it OneWshfulthnker (11:22:21 PM): its like having the falsehood that i like someone OneWshfulthnker (11:22:26 PM): kinda like with cally and tony OneWshfulthnker (11:22:30 PM): its not goign to work out OneWshfulthnker (11:22:34 PM): nor do i want it to OneWshfulthnker (11:22:45 PM): its jsut something that almost makes me feel alive OneWshfulthnker (11:22:56 PM): not jsut going through the motions like i do with you almost OneWshfulthnker (11:23:01 PM): I DONT KNOW OneWshfulthnker (11:23:06 PM): and i can't explain it OneWshfulthnker (11:23:22 PM): its just really nice talking to someone who is the COMPLETE opposite of you OneWshfulthnker (11:24:48 PM): and doesn't know anything about me OneWshfulthnker (11:24:57 PM): and doesn't know how fucked up i really am OneWshfulthnker (11:26:32 PM): ??? OneWshfulthnker (11:26:36 PM): are you even there? Alanwaitwhat (11:26:40 PM): have been OneWshfulthnker (11:26:53 PM): are you going to say anything? Alanwaitwhat (11:27:15 PM): what do you want me to say? OneWshfulthnker (11:27:19 PM): anything Alanwaitwhat (11:27:27 PM): some dude wants to have something with my WIFE!!!!!! Alanwaitwhat (11:27:33 PM): and he doesn't know shes married Alanwaitwhat (11:27:43 PM): what the heck am i supposed to even say to that?! Alanwaitwhat (11:27:51 PM): and she doesn't wanna tell him OneWshfulthnker (11:27:54 PM): no OneWshfulthnker (11:27:59 PM): he does know i'm married OneWshfulthnker (11:28:24 PM): so don't assume that he didn't know Alanwaitwhat (11:28:56 PM): its sad to know that you're letting this happen and that you're very aware how much this hurts me OneWshfulthnker (11:29:14 PM): at this point NOTHING IS HAPPENING OneWshfulthnker (11:29:17 PM): its just talking OneWshfulthnker (11:29:19 PM): and i like it alot OneWshfulthnker (11:30:09 PM): i feel like i'm going through this crisis Alanwaitwhat (11:30:25 PM): you're not the only one OneWshfulthnker (11:30:45 PM): i don't deal well with commintment OneWshfulthnker (11:30:53 PM): hence i have no idea why i got married OneWshfulthnker (11:30:58 PM): and i should take it out on you OneWshfulthnker (11:31:08 PM): its not your fault i'm an idiot\ OneWshfulthnker (11:31:47 PM): i really am going to bed OneWshfulthnker (11:31:52 PM): i have less than 4 hours OneWshfulthnker (11:32:03 PM): and i m even more upset and confused OneWshfulthnker (11:32:14 PM): i'm not happy alan OneWshfulthnker (11:32:15 PM): at all OneWshfulthnker (11:32:24 PM): i don't want to bring you down Alanwaitwhat (11:32:42 PM): you already did it don't worry about that part OneWshfulthnker (11:32:56 PM): what....bring you down? OneWshfulthnker (11:33:04 PM): i'm saying...as in life OneWshfulthnker (11:33:15 PM): you feel like life should have all these goals and dreams OneWshfulthnker (11:33:19 PM): i don't feel like that Alanwaitwhat (11:33:22 PM): thats what this past 2 months have been feeling like! Alanwaitwhat (11:33:38 PM): just drama and torture because you can't make up your mind Alanwaitwhat (11:31:59 PM): and because you're surrounded by so many singles that what everyone does is just get fucked up and hook up OneWshfulthnker (11:32:19 PM): not really alan OneWshfulthnker (11:32:23 PM): thats a virginia thing OneWshfulthnker (11:32:34 PM): here OneWshfulthnker (11:32:39 PM): we get drunk and talk about lfie OneWshfulthnker (11:32:42 PM): life OneWshfulthnker (11:32:50 PM): and philosophy OneWshfulthnker (11:32:53 PM): and religion Alanwaitwhat (11:33:10 PM): and thats how you missinterpret the facts in life OneWshfulthnker (11:33:24 PM): ? Alanwaitwhat (11:33:41 PM): you're gettin drunk and talkin about life OneWshfulthnker (11:33:49 PM): we aren't drunk all the time Alanwaitwhat (11:33:54 PM): hows that smart thinking and good philosophy OneWshfulthnker (11:33:56 PM): i shouldn't have said it like taht OneWshfulthnker (11:34:10 PM): i've drank twice since i've been here Alanwaitwhat (11:34:12 PM): you make no sense when you're in denial OneWshfulthnker (11:34:21 PM): and that guy doesn't drink either OneWshfulthnker (11:34:25 PM): i'm in denial? OneWshfulthnker (11:34:27 PM): about what? Alanwaitwhat (11:34:43 PM): no denial, but when you're confused or you mix what you stand for OneWshfulthnker (11:34:44 PM): i'm not making sense cause i'm fucking half asleep! Alanwaitwhat (11:35:04 PM): i told you i didn't want to end up in a bad not and you kept pushing it Alanwaitwhat (11:35:09 PM): note* OneWshfulthnker (11:35:23 PM): i get so easily frustrated withyou and i dont know why Alanwaitwhat (11:35:44 PM): i think you just like me getting hurt OneWshfulthnker (11:35:53 PM): ARE YOU SERIOUS? OneWshfulthnker (11:35:55 PM): really OneWshfulthnker (11:36:01 PM): cause that will piss meoff even more Alanwaitwhat (11:36:02 PM): you have done this everytime we talked online OneWshfulthnker (11:36:06 PM): i don't like to hurt people Alanwaitwhat (11:36:22 PM): you take this off all on me Alanwaitwhat (11:36:58 PM): and its cool at one point because i should know how you feel, but at the same time, you constantly remind me of the possibilities of not having success OneWshfulthnker (11:37:31 PM): i'm trying to figure out who i am right now and it really fucking sucks that i have to constantly think about not hurting your feelings Alanwaitwhat (11:37:36 PM): I'm not stupid and i know how to do the math and it shows a lot, you might not notice but OneWshfulthnker (11:37:42 PM): or worrying if its the right decision OneWshfulthnker (11:37:52 PM): what shows a lot? Alanwaitwhat (11:38:09 PM): that you're constantly getting frustrated with me Alanwaitwhat (11:38:18 PM): the other day you asked me if i took care of the cable box Alanwaitwhat (11:38:28 PM): and you said "did you turn in the fucking cable shit?" OneWshfulthnker (11:38:42 PM): no i didn't ask you like that Alanwaitwhat (11:38:48 PM): before that you snapped on me by giving me a taste on reality when i litellrally had already had a job OneWshfulthnker (11:38:56 PM): id on't curse unless i'm really frustrated Alanwaitwhat (11:38:57 PM): i remember things better OneWshfulthnker (11:39:51 PM): i feel like i can't tell you how i really feel most of the time Alanwaitwhat (11:39:55 PM): and for some reason every single time, we talk, every time, you end up getting agitated, frustrated, and constantly remind me of how shitty everything with this other guys is Alanwaitwhat (11:40:08 PM): why not? OneWshfulthnker (11:40:12 PM): i don'tknow OneWshfulthnker (11:40:24 PM): i just don't cause then i'll hurt your feelings OneWshfulthnker (11:40:47 PM): and i feel like thats all i do lately anymore Alanwaitwhat (11:40:48 PM): what did you have sex with someone or something? OneWshfulthnker (11:40:52 PM): no OneWshfulthnker (11:40:54 PM): but OneWshfulthnker (11:40:55 PM): really OneWshfulthnker (11:41:02 PM): I DON'T WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIPT OneWshfulthnker (11:41:04 PM): WITH ANYONE OneWshfulthnker (11:41:07 PM): AT ALL Alanwaitwhat (11:41:09 PM): ... OneWshfulthnker (11:41:14 PM): i don't want to worry about caring for other people OneWshfulthnker (11:41:23 PM): but i made this "promise" that i would OneWshfulthnker (11:41:30 PM): its hard enough to care about me Auto Response from Alanwaitwhat (11:41:30 PM): thats the final straw OneWshfulthnker (11:41:34 PM): ALAN Alanwaitwhat (11:41:36 PM): what OneWshfulthnker (11:41:37 PM): come back OneWshfulthnker (11:41:40 PM): don't leavfe Alanwaitwhat (11:41:47 PM): you know what OneWshfulthnker (11:41:50 PM): i'm telling you what i really feel and then you just leave? Alanwaitwhat (11:41:58 PM): samantha listen to me Alanwaitwhat (11:42:00 PM): I love you Alanwaitwhat (11:42:03 PM): and i always will Alanwaitwhat (11:42:19 PM): there are a million and one things that i will do for you Alanwaitwhat (11:42:23 PM): but Alanwaitwhat (11:42:44 PM): i won't let you step on me as if I am some little pet that you can sweet talk and then be mad at Alanwaitwhat (11:42:53 PM): i also value my body and my well being Alanwaitwhat (11:43:20 PM): and I really don't think is necesary for you to say the things that you say in a way that is pretty much considered cruel Alanwaitwhat (11:43:26 PM): I love you and all OneWshfulthnker (11:43:46 PM): all i'm saying is Alanwaitwhat (11:43:47 PM): but i'm not going to put myself through that, sweetheart you got a lot to think about Alanwaitwhat (11:43:50 PM): let me finish OneWshfulthnker (11:43:52 PM): i cannot even take care OneWshfulthnker (11:43:54 PM): ok Alanwaitwhat (11:44:00 PM): as i was saying Alanwaitwhat (11:44:05 PM): you got a lot to think about Alanwaitwhat (11:44:12 PM): and i know you have asked me for space Alanwaitwhat (11:44:24 PM): and i dont know what more you want Alanwaitwhat (11:45:29 PM): and it hurts me to tell you that I really don't want to keep getting hurt anymore, so, talk to me when you're less frustrated and when you can actually keep a civilized conversation instead of just getting agitated and frustrated Alanwaitwhat (11:46:09 PM): im here to listen to you, but i can only take so much, i 'm here to listen, but i'm not going to listen to you if all you're going to do is hurt me Alanwaitwhat (11:46:45 PM): i'm never done wrong to you, i have always been there, and I honestly don't know whats going on in your head and I'll mind my own business and keep my head straight Alanwaitwhat (11:47:42 PM): and i don't know why I'm paying for what you're going through, i really don't, i'm sorry to bail out on you, but you have said enough to me, at this point, i think i might need some space to only let myself heal Alanwaitwhat (11:48:18 PM): while you're dealing with your issues in TX, I'll be still righ here, keeping faith, I love you OneWshfulthnker (11:48:36 PM): so are you just leaving me? Alanwaitwhat (11:48:39 PM): no Alanwaitwhat (11:48:46 PM): you need to think about a lot of things OneWshfulthnker (11:48:52 PM): so you don't want to talkt o me while i'm in texas? Alanwaitwhat (11:49:26 PM): i don't want to talk to you until you can hold a steady and civilized conversation, all you do is get dffesnsive and agitated Alanwaitwhat (11:49:35 PM): deffensive* OneWshfulthnker (11:49:49 PM): i don't know when that will be, to be honest with you Alanwaitwhat (11:51:01 PM): ...let me know when you grow up mamacita, you have my # and hopefully i'm still under hubby<3 or alan<3 OneWshfulthnker (11:51:25 PM): so OneWshfulthnker (11:51:37 PM): you want me to let you know when i grow up? OneWshfulthnker (11:51:44 PM): cause that could be the day before never Alanwaitwhat (11:53:33 PM): you'll know when to get a hold of me, not necesarily when you grow up, and i meant siritually Alanwaitwhat (11:53:39 PM): spiritually* OneWshfulthnker (11:53:53 PM): i'm not spiritual Alanwaitwhat (11:53:53 PM): because you're just doing me more harm than been there for me OneWshfulthnker (11:53:58 PM): i'm confused OneWshfulthnker (11:54:37 PM): this feels like a break up Alanwaitwhat (11:54:45 PM): i'm not breaking up with you Alanwaitwhat (11:55:00 PM): i just refused to talk to you when all you're goingn to do is try to bring me down Alanwaitwhat (11:55:15 PM): and in order to take care of you i have to care of myself Alanwaitwhat (11:55:25 PM): and i'm not going to feel like shit all the time OneWshfulthnker (11:55:36 PM): alright OneWshfulthnker (11:55:37 PM): well OneWshfulthnker (11:55:42 PM): i'm going to bed OneWshfulthnker (11:55:48 PM): now with less than 4 hours OneWshfulthnker (11:55:52 PM): fantastic Alanwaitwhat (11:56:05 PM): you chose to OneWshfulthnker (11:56:10 PM): iknow OneWshfulthnker (11:56:17 PM): i'm not being sarcastic to you OneWshfulthnker (11:56:25 PM): i just wish i didn't stay up so late OneWshfulthnker (11:56:52 PM): well i'll call you when i "grow up" or whatever OneWshfulthnker (11:56:56 PM): i love you OneWshfulthnker (11:56:57 PM): goodnight Alanwaitwhat (11:57:00 PM): be more erious about it OneWshfulthnker (11:57:05 PM): i am OneWshfulthnker (11:57:17 PM): i just don't know what else to say OneWshfulthnker went away at 11:57:29 PM. Alanwaitwhat (11:57:42 PM): you're not funny samantha, you're really not funny OneWshfulthnker (11:57:49 PM): i'm not trying to be OneWshfulthnker (11:58:00 PM): i just really don't know what else to say alan OneWshfulthnker (11:58:22 PM): you tell me to call you when i grow up OneWshfulthnker (11:58:33 PM): or become more spiritual about this whole thing OneWshfulthnker (11:58:35 PM): i understand OneWshfulthnker (11:58:43 PM): so i'll just talk to you when i sort some shit out OneWshfulthnker (11:58:53 PM): but i honestly don't know when that is going to be Alanwaitwhat (11:59:43 PM): you're tmissinterpreting everything i said OneWshfulthnker (11:59:55 PM): i'm not even being sarcastic! Alanwaitwhat (12:00:36 AM): and by that i meant, when you want to have a conversation where you won't argue, get agitated or frustrated call me, till then, i choose to not get hurt because thats all you're doing OneWshfulthnker (12:01:02 AM): and i'm saying i don't know when that is going to be Alanwaitwhat (12:01:42 AM): well this is the perfect time for you to make those mistakes you've always wanted, if thats what you want OneWshfulthnker (12:01:51 AM): what? OneWshfulthnker (12:01:52 AM): alan OneWshfulthnker (12:01:53 AM): really OneWshfulthnker (12:01:56 AM): i'm going to bed OneWshfulthnker (12:02:06 AM): this is getting somewhat borderline ridiculous Alanwaitwhat (12:02:19 AM): welcome to everyday of my life OneWshfulthnker (12:02:35 AM): sometimes you act like I don't have it hard either OneWshfulthnker (12:02:45 AM): its not like everything is hunky dory here Alanwaitwhat (12:02:50 AM): and you act as if i don'tknow what you're groing through OneWshfulthnker (12:02:57 AM): ok OneWshfulthnker (12:03:00 AM): i'm stopping this shit OneWshfulthnker (12:03:02 AM): goodnight Alanwaitwhat (12:03:08 AM): peace life is looking lovely right now

no, I'm not doing fine [Monday February 25th At 12:13AM] [ mood | disappointed ] [ music | fuck ] OneWshfulthnker (7:32:01 PM): hey hunny Alanwaitwhat (7:32:12 PM): hi there OneWshfulthnker (7:32:22 PM): hat are you doing? Alanwaitwhat (7:32:41 PM): nothing i walked about 10 mins ago from work OneWshfulthnker (7:32:59 PM): how long is the walk? Alanwaitwhat (7:33:39 PM): i drive there OneWshfulthnker (7:33:53 PM): oh Alanwaitwhat (7:34:01 PM): yeah I have been driving the accord OneWshfulthnker (7:34:10 PM): its is working right? Alanwaitwhat (7:34:35 PM): yeah, I just need to warm up the engine for about 6 minutes Alanwaitwhat (7:34:49 PM): that's all and always keep checking the thermostat,water, and oil OneWshfulthnker (7:35:28 PM): oh okay OneWshfulthnker (7:35:34 PM): well how was work? Alanwaitwhat (7:35:43 PM): it was good, i went there twice Alanwaitwhat (7:35:54 PM): once from 5:45 till 12 OneWshfulthnker (7:35:54 PM): why? Alanwaitwhat (7:36:04 PM): then from 3ish or till 7ish Alanwaitwhat (7:36:25 PM): jamba is spendin 2 billion dollars to introduce jamba breakfasts OneWshfulthnker (7:36:41 PM): oh wow Alanwaitwhat (7:36:45 PM): so we had to go there and learn about each product, how many calories does it contain, what are their allergens Alanwaitwhat (7:37:04 PM): learn how to make it, how to measure it, how its supposed to taste Alanwaitwhat (7:37:14 PM): smoothies and baked goods Alanwaitwhat (7:37:43 PM): and i went the second time in the afternoon 'cause I offered to cover someones shift because she was sick OneWshfulthnker (7:38:51 PM): oh okay OneWshfulthnker (7:38:53 PM): well good fo you Alanwaitwhat (7:39:23 PM): yup Alanwaitwhat (7:39:33 PM): what did you do today? OneWshfulthnker (7:40:22 PM): ummmm OneWshfulthnker (7:40:26 PM): i woke up at like 1 OneWshfulthnker (7:40:28 PM): went tanning OneWshfulthnker (7:40:42 PM): ate lunch, then went to study hall while my stomach settled OneWshfulthnker (7:40:49 PM): then i went to the gym for like an hour OneWshfulthnker (7:41:07 PM): followed by ice cream with cally and then cheddars with the boys OneWshfulthnker (7:41:09 PM): but i didn't eat there OneWshfulthnker (7:41:12 PM): i was so full Alanwaitwhat (7:41:36 PM): sounds like a good sunday OneWshfulthnker (7:41:44 PM): yeah OneWshfulthnker (7:41:47 PM): it wasn't bad Alanwaitwhat (7:42:53 PM): i'm glad to hear that OneWshfulthnker (7:43:03 PM): mhm OneWshfulthnker (7:43:12 PM): now its hard cause i'm not that sleepy OneWshfulthnker (7:43:18 PM): but i hve class tomorrow Alanwaitwhat (7:44:43 PM): i know that really blows OneWshfulthnker (7:45:01 PM): yeah OneWshfulthnker (7:45:08 PM): i slept over 24 hours this weekend Alanwaitwhat (7:45:18 PM): that's a new record OneWshfulthnker (7:45:23 PM): mhm OneWshfulthnker (7:45:24 PM): haha OneWshfulthnker (7:45:31 PM): it felt really good to sleep that much Alanwaitwhat (7:45:38 PM): i know how it feels to have enough sleep though, and i'm glad you got plenty OneWshfulthnker (7:45:48 PM): mhm Alanwaitwhat (7:45:51 PM): i got about 4 this weekend OneWshfulthnker (7:46:04 PM): what is this supposed to mean OneWshfulthnker (7:46:06 PM): I have met this wonderful woman, usually I go to hell and back for her. Alanwaitwhat (7:46:27 PM): that whatever you put me through, I deal with OneWshfulthnker (7:46:50 PM): you make it sound like i always am horrible to you OneWshfulthnker (7:46:51 PM): am i? Alanwaitwhat (7:46:59 PM): no Alanwaitwhat (7:47:13 PM): not at all, but sometimes you can be cold OneWshfulthnker (7:47:24 PM): alan OneWshfulthnker (7:47:28 PM): i'm cold to a lot of people OneWshfulthnker (7:47:30 PM): ]you know this Alanwaitwhat (7:48:00 PM): you have never been like this to me Alanwaitwhat (7:48:21 PM): and i don't wanna end up having a bad weekend OneWshfulthnker (7:48:23 PM): i just don't think you've noticed it Alanwaitwhat (7:48:24 PM): so i'll just take it off OneWshfulthnker (7:48:27 PM): no OneWshfulthnker (7:48:28 PM): alan OneWshfulthnker (7:48:29 PM): don't leave OneWshfulthnker (7:48:34 PM): i don't want to talk about it either Alanwaitwhat (7:48:37 PM): leave? i'm not leaving OneWshfulthnker (7:48:49 PM): oh OneWshfulthnker (7:48:50 PM): oops OneWshfulthnker (7:48:50 PM): haha Alanwaitwhat (7:48:54 PM): wrong box OneWshfulthnker (7:48:55 PM): i thought you said take off Alanwaitwhat (7:48:56 PM): bahhah OneWshfulthnker (7:48:56 PM): haha OneWshfulthnker (7:48:59 PM): no OneWshfulthnker (7:49:02 PM): you dont' have to OneWshfulthnker (7:49:06 PM): i was just asking about it Alanwaitwhat (7:49:23 PM): no, but I'll just take it off i guess OneWshfulthnker (7:49:44 PM): i'm just saying OneWshfulthnker (7:49:46 PM): you don't have to Alanwaitwhat (7:50:18 PM): ok OneWshfulthnker (7:50:32 PM): what is the most fucked up thing you ever heard? Alanwaitwhat (7:50:44 PM): why are you questioning me? Alanwaitwhat (7:50:53 PM): i write things just like you do OneWshfulthnker (7:50:54 PM): i'm curious OneWshfulthnker (7:50:55 PM): i knwo Alanwaitwhat (7:50:56 PM): ok OneWshfulthnker (7:51:01 PM): and you ask me about it too Alanwaitwhat (7:51:10 PM): i know i do, well Alanwaitwhat (7:51:54 PM): to hear that someone else gives you butterflies, and to hear that you're not sure on our marriage Alanwaitwhat (7:52:09 PM): almost 3 months till our anniversary Alanwaitwhat (7:52:23 PM): and i really don't want to end up tonight in a bad note, its the last thing i want OneWshfulthnker (7:52:30 PM): alright Alanwaitwhat (7:52:35 PM): just ask me, and i'll tell you OneWshfulthnker (7:52:40 PM): then i guess we don't ever have to bring it up again OneWshfulthnker (7:52:49 PM): i don't have to tell you about these things OneWshfulthnker (7:52:56 PM): i could just leave you in the dark Alanwaitwhat (7:53:03 PM): no i want to hear them in order to understand what you're going through Alanwaitwhat (7:53:58 PM): and i know things that are kept for too long just explode OneWshfulthnker (7:54:18 PM): i understand OneWshfulthnker (7:54:35 PM): but i felt like i would try to hint at things in monterey when they weren't so good and you wouldn't listen OneWshfulthnker (7:54:45 PM): you would just leave and hang out with austin or something OneWshfulthnker (7:54:54 PM): so thats why i never talked about it there Alanwaitwhat (7:56:17 PM): I wish we could've been more opened about these issues before, i hung out with austin because he was about the only friend i had there, and i also like been around people, if you would've asked me to stay to talk about our feelings, I gladly would've accepted and not even think it twice OneWshfulthnker (7:56:30 PM): no OneWshfulthnker (7:56:49 PM): i remember SPECIFICALLY wanting to talk to you and you said fuck this and walked out Alanwaitwhat (7:56:55 PM): i also felt bad for austin cuz he doesnt really have lots of friends, so i kind of wanted to guide him through things Alanwaitwhat (7:57:15 PM): that was when you stayed home and cried Alanwaitwhat (7:57:21 PM): and i admitted i did walked out on you Alanwaitwhat (7:57:25 PM): and you told me not to do it again Alanwaitwhat (7:57:28 PM): and i didn't Alanwaitwhat (7:58:22 PM): i stayed and tried to solve things, it took us time to realize that we just need a little time to get over things, but at one point, we would get over them and we would both come to peace after OneWshfulthnker (7:59:09 PM): i dunno alan OneWshfulthnker (7:59:15 PM): i just dunno about anything anymore Alanwaitwhat (7:59:36 PM): that's exactly how I feel, but I know what I want OneWshfulthnker (8:00:24 PM): well i on the other hand OneWshfulthnker (8:00:28 PM): don't know what i want anymore Alanwaitwhat (8:00:38 PM): ... OneWshfulthnker (8:00:59 PM): alan OneWshfulthnker (8:01:04 PM): i tell you this every time we talk Alanwaitwhat (8:01:08 PM): i know Alanwaitwhat (8:01:32 PM): and as time goes by it becomes a bigger and scarier though Alanwaitwhat (8:01:37 PM): thought* OneWshfulthnker (8:02:01 PM): i really just don't know OneWshfulthnker (8:02:12 PM): i wonder how things will be in maryland OneWshfulthnker (8:02:18 PM): and what if they are really horrible Alanwaitwhat (8:02:28 PM): and what if they're better? OneWshfulthnker (8:02:53 PM): then good Alanwaitwhat (8:02:54 PM): I'm not allowing any awkwardness on my heart Alanwaitwhat (8:03:15 PM): I'm not about to make things awkward because thats just not me Alanwaitwhat (8:03:54 PM): and that's why I try everytime to end every conversation on a happy ending, not an ending where we both storm off, or become annoyed of talking about the same things over and over OneWshfulthnker (8:04:21 PM): well i can't help it Alanwaitwhat (8:04:29 PM): i'm not saying its a bad thing mama OneWshfulthnker (8:04:38 PM): you make it seem like it Alanwaitwhat (8:04:45 PM): nah, not at all OneWshfulthnker (8:04:45 PM): you seem so sure of what you want OneWshfulthnker (8:04:48 PM): i don't OneWshfulthnker (8:04:50 PM): i have no idea OneWshfulthnker (8:05:01 PM): i'm like two classes away from my first degree OneWshfulthnker (8:05:05 PM): and i still don't know what i want Alanwaitwhat (8:05:56 PM): -hugs- Alanwaitwhat (8:06:19 PM): without an actual physical one OneWshfulthnker (8:06:49 PM): your cute OneWshfulthnker (8:07:24 PM): i looked at myself in the mirror today OneWshfulthnker (8:07:30 PM): and i barely recognized myself Alanwaitwhat (8:07:34 PM): let me see you Alanwaitwhat (8:07:36 PM): let me see you! OneWshfulthnker (8:07:38 PM): no Alanwaitwhat (8:07:40 PM): aw Alanwaitwhat (8:07:42 PM): denial OneWshfulthnker (8:07:43 PM): my lights are off OneWshfulthnker (8:07:50 PM): and my roomie is asleep Alanwaitwhat (8:07:52 PM): oh snap Alanwaitwhat (8:08:01 PM): i almost forgot you have a roomate now OneWshfulthnker (8:08:12 PM): yeah OneWshfulthnker (8:08:15 PM): she is pretty cool Alanwaitwhat (8:08:20 PM): so your room is not anything like the ones at DLI huh? OneWshfulthnker (8:08:30 PM): no OneWshfulthnker (8:08:35 PM): its incredibly tiny Alanwaitwhat (8:08:39 PM): poop Alanwaitwhat (8:08:59 PM): do you have a divider wall? or anything like it? OneWshfulthnker (8:09:06 PM): nope Alanwaitwhat (8:09:54 PM): well, it would have been really really nice to see you live, but, I have no doubt in my mind that you look really fit, and more beautiful than ever OneWshfulthnker (8:10:30 PM): did i tell you i dyed my hair? Alanwaitwhat (8:10:45 PM): yes you did mama, yesterday when i was at work and i was about to clock out OneWshfulthnker (8:10:57 PM): oh yeah OneWshfulthnker (8:10:59 PM): i forgot Alanwaitwhat (8:11:05 PM): show me soon, i really want to see it,either through webcam or take a picture through your phone OneWshfulthnker (8:11:36 PM): k OneWshfulthnker (8:11:39 PM): maybe soon Alanwaitwhat (8:11:48 PM): i sure hope so OneWshfulthnker (8:12:06 PM): i think me and the boys are going to have a hotel party this weekend OneWshfulthnker (8:12:08 PM): so i'll take some Alanwaitwhat (8:12:30 PM): that's really neat Alanwaitwhat (8:12:43 PM): i wish you could come to blow up in San Francisco Alanwaitwhat (8:12:48 PM): its really a lot of fun OneWshfulthnker (8:12:49 PM): whats that? Alanwaitwhat (8:13:02 PM): its a club at the Rickshaw Stop OneWshfulthnker (8:13:12 PM): oh Alanwaitwhat (8:13:35 PM): and they play really good music all the time, awesome mixes and live performances with djs and mcs Alanwaitwhat (8:13:44 PM): almost like what you describe the wave as Alanwaitwhat (8:13:48 PM): gay people everywhere OneWshfulthnker (8:13:53 PM): hmm OneWshfulthnker (8:13:54 PM): i dunno OneWshfulthnker (8:13:57 PM): sure i guess Alanwaitwhat (8:14:03 PM): indie people, and generic dressing Alanwaitwhat (8:14:14 PM): you would really like i Alanwaitwhat (8:14:16 PM): it* OneWshfulthnker (8:14:19 PM): i like texas clubs OneWshfulthnker (8:14:28 PM): everyone wears cowboy boots and its neat OneWshfulthnker (8:14:33 PM): and a lot of country music Alanwaitwhat (8:14:51 PM): i'll check that out sometime OneWshfulthnker (8:15:23 PM): you won't be in texas long enough Alanwaitwhat (8:15:39 PM): good point OneWshfulthnker (8:16:11 PM): i'm going to miss it so much Alanwaitwhat (8:16:37 PM): you can always come visit though OneWshfulthnker (8:16:54 PM): yeah OneWshfulthnker (8:17:01 PM): but i think a lot of it has to do with the people\ OneWshfulthnker (8:17:05 PM): i knwo that when i move to maryland OneWshfulthnker (8:17:16 PM): i'm going to visit the boys in nebraska all the time Alanwaitwhat (8:17:36 PM): isn't that where that guy is getting stationed? OneWshfulthnker (8:17:45 PM): yeah OneWshfulthnker (8:17:47 PM): but not only him Alanwaitwhat (8:18:17 PM): ah OneWshfulthnker (8:18:26 PM): plus OneWshfulthnker (8:18:33 PM): omaha is the hometown of bright eyes Alanwaitwhat (8:19:48 PM): that's neat OneWshfulthnker (8:20:02 PM): you don't care do you? Alanwaitwhat (8:20:08 PM): i do Alanwaitwhat (8:20:20 PM): i just thought they were originally from VA for some reason OneWshfulthnker (8:20:25 PM): no Alanwaitwhat (8:20:40 PM): why would you say I don't care? OneWshfulthnker (8:21:04 PM): cause you just said thats neat OneWshfulthnker (8:21:15 PM): it sounded like a generic answer Alanwaitwhat (8:21:31 PM): not at all, i know how much you like them, and besides you introduced me to them Alanwaitwhat (8:21:38 PM): i know how big of a deal they are to you OneWshfulthnker (8:21:45 PM): and plus OneWshfulthnker (8:21:57 PM): i'm really REALLY going to miss those boys Alanwaitwhat (8:22:56 PM): I could imagine, you  have been with some of these guys since you were in Dli after thinking you would never get along with them or anyone at all in that class OneWshfulthnker (8:23:08 PM): mhm OneWshfulthnker (8:23:12 PM): plus i just learn so much OneWshfulthnker (8:23:15 PM): i don't want to stop Alanwaitwhat (8:23:47 PM): knowing things is good Alanwaitwhat (8:24:42 PM): its always nice to learn something new, lately I have been getting into budhism and what they based their logics on, because one of my friends isn't religious at all, and doesn't believe in God OneWshfulthnker (8:25:00 PM): like me? Alanwaitwhat (8:25:07 PM): yup Alanwaitwhat (8:25:29 PM): and its pretty interesting OneWshfulthnker (8:25:38 PM): thats neat Alanwaitwhat (8:25:55 PM): lol yes it is OneWshfulthnker (8:26:18 PM): cool Alanwaitwhat (8:26:47 PM): generically answering questions much? OneWshfulthnker (8:26:55 PM): haha OneWshfulthnker (8:27:01 PM): i was wondering if you were going to catch on Alanwaitwhat (8:27:14 PM): i'm not stupid OneWshfulthnker (8:27:26 PM): i know that OneWshfulthnker (8:27:35 PM): I'M not stupid Alanwaitwhat (8:27:42 PM): mhm OneWshfulthnker (8:28:24 PM): i went to a real rodeo this weekend Alanwaitwhat (8:29:08 PM): really? what are they like? I have never been to one of those, I mean i have seen them in Peru but they would organize one with people who would come strictly from Spain OneWshfulthnker (8:29:18 PM): its fun Alanwaitwhat (8:29:22 PM): i'm sure its nothing like the real deal though OneWshfulthnker (8:29:27 PM): i was a little too drunk to remember most of it OneWshfulthnker (8:29:31 PM): but there were like bulls OneWshfulthnker (8:29:34 PM): and sheep too! OneWshfulthnker (8:29:41 PM): and little kids would try to ride the sheep Alanwaitwhat (8:29:44 PM): lol sounds like my friday night Alanwaitwhat (8:29:48 PM): lol Alanwaitwhat (8:29:52 PM): thats cute OneWshfulthnker (8:29:59 PM): there is a REALLy bad picture of me and cally OneWshfulthnker (8:30:05 PM): but you can at least see my hair Alanwaitwhat (8:30:14 PM): is it on your laptop? OneWshfulthnker (8:30:19 PM): and when i say bad OneWshfulthnker (8:30:22 PM): i mean terrible OneWshfulthnker (8:30:24 PM): hold on OneWshfulthnker (8:30:25 PM): no its not OneWshfulthnker (8:30:28 PM): http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=viewImage&friendID=85210352&albumID=1723991&imageID=22507704 Alanwaitwhat (8:30:42 PM): i can't see it Alanwaitwhat (8:30:52 PM): "must be added as a friend" OneWshfulthnker (8:30:52 PM): its brown! OneWshfulthnker (8:30:57 PM): oh OneWshfulthnker (8:30:59 PM): hold on OneWshfulthnker (8:31:01 PM): i'll tiny pic it Alanwaitwhat (8:31:05 PM): k OneWshfulthnker (8:31:56 PM): http://tinypic.com/view.php?pic=2jflw2b&s=3 Alanwaitwhat (8:32:40 PM): that's hotter than paris' "thats hot" Alanwaitwhat (8:32:51 PM): your hair looks so good! OneWshfulthnker (8:33:14 PM): you think? OneWshfulthnker (8:33:19 PM): but really OneWshfulthnker (8:33:22 PM): its a terrible picture OneWshfulthnker (8:33:26 PM): we look fucked up Alanwaitwhat (8:33:37 PM): nah Alanwaitwhat (8:33:42 PM): you're just puckering your lips Alanwaitwhat (8:33:44 PM): its not as bad OneWshfulthnker (8:33:48 PM): yeah Alanwaitwhat (8:33:50 PM): lolnow callahan on the other hand OneWshfulthnker (8:33:55 PM): but my wrist looks so fat OneWshfulthnker (8:33:56 PM): haha Alanwaitwhat (8:33:59 PM): lol the face kind of blew up her cover Alanwaitwhat (8:34:19 PM): nah i don't think so, its just the camera angle OneWshfulthnker (8:34:26 PM): maybe OneWshfulthnker (8:34:28 PM): but still OneWshfulthnker (8:34:31 PM): i hate this picture OneWshfulthnker (8:34:32 PM): haha OneWshfulthnker (8:34:42 PM): but my hair looks good so i thought i'd show you Alanwaitwhat (8:34:49 PM): i like it, in fact i'm going to set it as the picture on my top 8 thingie OneWshfulthnker (8:34:56 PM): ew OneWshfulthnker (8:34:57 PM): no OneWshfulthnker (8:34:58 PM): alan OneWshfulthnker (8:35:01 PM): really OneWshfulthnker (8:35:03 PM): don't OneWshfulthnker (8:35:06 PM): i hate that picture Alanwaitwhat (8:35:07 PM): woopsie daisy OneWshfulthnker (8:35:12 PM): really? OneWshfulthnker (8:35:15 PM): please don't OneWshfulthnker (8:35:22 PM): i HATE that picture Alanwaitwhat (8:35:30 PM): lol i'll consider it OneWshfulthnker (8:35:52 PM): okay whatever Alanwaitwhat (8:36:02 PM): i'm just kidding Alanwaitwhat (8:36:14 PM): i'll pick one where you're really happy and jolly OneWshfulthnker (8:36:36 PM): umm alright OneWshfulthnker (8:36:48 PM): we look so different OneWshfulthnker (8:36:54 PM): from when we met each other Alanwaitwhat (8:37:05 PM): you and cal? OneWshfulthnker (8:37:12 PM): no OneWshfulthnker (8:37:15 PM): me and you Alanwaitwhat (8:37:35 PM): i guess Alanwaitwhat (8:37:49 PM): just a little Alanwaitwhat (8:38:08 PM): i like to dress nice now OneWshfulthnker (8:38:09 PM): really OneWshfulthnker (8:38:15 PM): cause i think its way different now Alanwaitwhat (8:38:19 PM): looking older makes me feel good Alanwaitwhat (8:38:34 PM): i mean i still remember the short spikey hair Alanwaitwhat (8:38:50 PM): the hot black tights and that jean skirt Alanwaitwhat (8:39:07 PM): and your blue slip ons OneWshfulthnker (8:39:17 PM): i looked ridiculous haha OneWshfulthnker (8:39:26 PM): i don't really dress like that anymore Alanwaitwhat (8:39:33 PM): yup i know OneWshfulthnker (8:40:29 PM): i'm just not the same person Alanwaitwhat (8:42:06 PM): hmmm OneWshfulthnker (8:42:30 PM): i'm not OneWshfulthnker (8:42:35 PM): i keep thinking about it Alanwaitwhat (8:43:09 PM): i guess we could say the same thing about myself OneWshfulthnker (8:43:22 PM): mm OneWshfulthnker (8:43:29 PM): i don't think you look the same Alanwaitwhat (8:43:45 PM): yeah i don't feel the same either Alanwaitwhat (8:43:59 PM): i learned a lot, and i still am OneWshfulthnker (8:46:35 PM): jenn is really tiny OneWshfulthnker (8:46:36 PM): haha OneWshfulthnker (8:46:37 PM): sorry OneWshfulthnker (8:46:46 PM): i was just looking at the picture of her and alex OneWshfulthnker (8:46:52 PM): and i mean alex is a big guy OneWshfulthnker (8:46:56 PM): but jenn is TINY OneWshfulthnker (8:46:57 PM): haha Alanwaitwhat (8:47:08 PM): its ok OneWshfulthnker (8:56:05 PM): so what are you doing now? Alanwaitwhat (8:56:25 PM): changing pics on myface, its been a long time since the last time i swapped pictures Alanwaitwhat (8:56:30 PM): so i'm doing that Alanwaitwhat (8:56:38 PM): and looking at snagajob.com OneWshfulthnker (8:57:03 PM): do you really have to pick the most unattractive picutres? OneWshfulthnker (8:57:11 PM): i mean really haha OneWshfulthnker (8:58:19 PM): i was looking at jenns myspace OneWshfulthnker (8:58:24 PM): have you seen this picture? OneWshfulthnker (8:58:25 PM): http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=viewImage&friendID=2016679&albumID=1455079&imageID=28897179 OneWshfulthnker (8:58:36 PM): i don't even remember it Alanwaitwhat (8:58:52 PM): lol plastered OneWshfulthnker (8:58:52 PM): i dunno if its the camera Alanwaitwhat (8:58:58 PM): lol nonoon OneWshfulthnker (8:58:58 PM): but i look orange! Alanwaitwhat (8:59:10 PM): i think its just your tan Alanwaitwhat (8:59:14 PM): or the flash OneWshfulthnker (8:59:19 PM): maybe both OneWshfulthnker (8:59:23 PM): but jeez Alanwaitwhat (9:00:23 PM): lol yeah  you look trashed OneWshfulthnker (9:00:49 PM): yeah OneWshfulthnker (9:00:54 PM): that was an insane night Alanwaitwhat (9:01:23 PM): sounds like it, i think it was that same weekend that i went to blow up for the first time OneWshfulthnker (9:01:35 PM): hm i dunno OneWshfulthnker (9:01:40 PM): i don't think i'd go there OneWshfulthnker (9:01:48 PM): i dont' really care for california Alanwaitwhat (9:01:59 PM): you would probably like it Alanwaitwhat (9:02:00 PM): its fun OneWshfulthnker (9:02:22 PM): i dunno OneWshfulthnker (9:02:28 PM): i don't like californians OneWshfulthnker (9:02:37 PM): esp now that i've come out here OneWshfulthnker (9:02:38 PM): i just OneWshfulthnker (9:02:42 PM): they are different Alanwaitwhat (9:02:48 PM): uhhh k OneWshfulthnker (9:03:36 PM): but w/e OneWshfulthnker (9:03:40 PM): they are your people OneWshfulthnker (9:03:44 PM): so i won't hate Alanwaitwhat (9:04:43 PM): i just don'tknow how you came to hate people here, but everyone thinks different, i'm always open to go to places, so, I no longer have a preference to where to stay or where to go Alanwaitwhat (9:04:52 PM): i just don't hate OneWshfulthnker (9:05:11 PM): i dont' hate them necessarily OneWshfulthnker (9:05:17 PM): i'm just not down with california Alanwaitwhat (9:05:43 PM): to each their own OneWshfulthnker (9:05:50 PM): yeah i guess OneWshfulthnker (9:06:03 PM): you were also the one that told me that you weren't down with va either Alanwaitwhat (9:06:13 PM): how many times do i have to clarify this? Alanwaitwhat (9:06:17 PM): i said its cold as a mother Alanwaitwhat (9:06:21 PM): and i dont like cold Alanwaitwhat (9:06:24 PM): thats all i said OneWshfulthnker (9:06:29 PM): no Alanwaitwhat (9:06:38 PM): and you know how cold i get when i say i don't like cold OneWshfulthnker (9:06:40 PM): actually you said you could stand us partying all the time either Alanwaitwhat (9:06:46 PM): WhA?! OneWshfulthnker (9:06:52 PM): yes you did OneWshfulthnker (9:07:01 PM): when we stayed at the motel 6 Alanwaitwhat (9:07:05 PM): you're calling me out on stupid little things i never said OneWshfulthnker (9:07:10 PM): whatever OneWshfulthnker (9:07:15 PM): it doesn't matter anyways Alanwaitwhat (9:08:04 PM): i know really specially when i didn't even said anything like it, i remember well you telling me, partying is nice but not all the time, and then you started telling me about how much everyone parties there and how you thought you weren't down to party alllll the time Alanwaitwhat (9:08:27 PM): and then that same night the whole devon thing happened and whatnot Alanwaitwhat (9:08:38 PM): but I never said i hated Virginia OneWshfulthnker (9:09:42 PM): whatever OneWshfulthnker (9:09:46 PM): i don't want to talk about it Alanwaitwhat (9:09:57 PM): i don't either, itslike you're looking for something to argue about OneWshfulthnker (9:10:08 PM): no OneWshfulthnker (9:10:12 PM): its not even like that Alanwaitwhat (9:10:38 PM): well you're depressed appaently and you just started to come up with tings like these out of the blue OneWshfulthnker (9:10:49 PM): huh? OneWshfulthnker (9:13:27 PM): ? Alanwaitwhat (9:13:48 PM): whats there to explain? OneWshfulthnker (9:14:00 PM): i'm going to bed OneWshfulthnker (9:14:05 PM): i don't want to talk right now OneWshfulthnker (9:14:10 PM): i'm getting agitated Alanwaitwhat (9:14:21 PM): yeah thats the last thing i want to contribute to Alanwaitwhat (9:14:33 PM): i love you mamacita OneWshfulthnker (9:14:44 PM): goodnight OneWshfulthnker (9:14:47 PM): i love you too Alanwaitwhat (9:15:02 PM): <3 -kisses and hugs- -and a handshake- OneWshfulthnker (9:15:11 PM): no handshake Alanwaitwhat (9:15:17 PM): i meant the real ones OneWshfulthnker (9:15:21 PM): uh huh OneWshfulthnker (9:15:22 PM): sure Alanwaitwhat (9:15:35 PM): i'm just trying to steal a smile from you OneWshfulthnker (9:15:57 PM): wait OneWshfulthnker (9:16:01 PM): what does this mean? Alanwaitwhat (9:16:04 PM): what? OneWshfulthnker (9:16:09 PM): for fuck's sake I'm choking on my own heartbeats...                     and the doc just called it quits Alanwaitwhat (9:16:19 PM): lyrics Alanwaitwhat (9:16:36 PM): thats what i usually post as away mssgs OneWshfulthnker (9:16:50 PM): so why did you pick that one Alanwaitwhat (9:17:27 PM): because it can be interpreted in many different ways OneWshfulthnker (9:17:37 PM): how do you interpret it? Alanwaitwhat (9:17:56 PM): I'm going through tough times, and sometimes theres nothing i can talk to Alanwaitwhat (9:18:01 PM): noone* OneWshfulthnker (9:19:35 PM): really? OneWshfulthnker (9:19:40 PM): so you don't think you can talk to me? Alanwaitwhat (9:19:59 PM): i can but everytime we talk, we usually end up on bad notes Alanwaitwhat (9:20:07 PM): and its not like i can call you anytime at all mama Alanwaitwhat (9:20:18 PM): i don't know your schedule since your schedules are always different Alanwaitwhat (9:20:36 PM): and as you told me, you almost never get to your phone until night time Alanwaitwhat (9:21:17 PM): on top of that, I don't want to stress you out even more with all the things that you already have to deal with OneWshfulthnker (9:21:45 PM): okay Alanwaitwhat (9:22:16 PM): unlike me, if you ever need someone, you can always get a hold of me at anytime OneWshfulthnker (9:23:04 PM): alan OneWshfulthnker (9:23:09 PM): what would you do without me? OneWshfulthnker (9:23:13 PM): really OneWshfulthnker (9:23:17 PM): serious question Alanwaitwhat (9:23:27 PM): why are you asking me this? OneWshfulthnker (9:23:32 PM): i'm just curious OneWshfulthnker (9:23:37 PM): i'm in a curious mood Alanwaitwhat (9:23:46 PM): Is it because you're depressed? OneWshfulthnker (9:23:52 PM): hmm OneWshfulthnker (9:23:52 PM): maybe OneWshfulthnker (9:23:54 PM): i dunno OneWshfulthnker (9:24:06 PM): i'm not really depressed minus the fact i don't want to go to work tomorrow Alanwaitwhat (9:24:16 PM): then why are you looking for answers that will throw you off and put you in even worst moods? OneWshfulthnker (9:24:40 PM): no OneWshfulthnker (9:24:49 PM): its not going to throw me off OneWshfulthnker (9:24:55 PM): i just want an honest answer Alanwaitwhat (9:25:14 PM): well Alanwaitwhat (9:25:28 PM): I don't know what you want to hear other than my honest answer, but Alanwaitwhat (9:28:42 PM): Move on, keep improving myself, acknowledge the fact that I wasted my time with someone who I thought was real and really wanted something that will last a lifetime, that who I thought was someone I could rely on just had to let me go because she wasn't sure what she wanted in life when everything she will ever want was right in front of her the whole time, i would move on, it would take me a while and ultimately I would be a better individual than 4 years ago when I was still working and having issues with other things, I'm very confident on myself, so I'm really positive that i would do good, hell it would take me time to fix the wounds to heal but who knows Alanwaitwhat (9:29:31 PM): like grandpa said before he passed away, always forward with your feet planted in the ground, never backwards OneWshfulthnker (9:29:45 PM): so OneWshfulthnker (9:29:58 PM): are you saying that IF things didn't work out, then i'm not a real person? Alanwaitwhat (9:30:13 PM): nope Alanwaitwhat (9:30:59 PM): it would be a huge dissapointment because you were so sure of what you wanted, and now that you left everything is changing OneWshfulthnker (9:31:11 PM): i was sure OneWshfulthnker (9:31:16 PM): but i just don't know anymore OneWshfulthnker (9:31:23 PM): and i don't want you to hate me for it Alanwaitwhat (9:31:41 PM): I married you Alanwaitwhat (9:31:54 PM): i'm not throwing it in your face, or anything Alanwaitwhat (9:33:24 PM): and I signed up for the real deal and it still hurts that your feelings are changing, specially when marriage means soooooo much to me, I don't want to tell my kids one day "my first marriage wasn't succesful" what are they going to think of me? i want to give them the best example I can Alanwaitwhat (9:33:30 PM): and i dont want kids anytime soon Alanwaitwhat (9:34:26 PM): but i want something good to tell and pass onto my children, something good they will want for their families in their future OneWshfulthnker (9:34:45 PM): hmm Alanwaitwhat (9:36:04 PM): this is also i promise i made to you when i put the ring in your finger, to stay by you through thick and thin, and I'm planning on staying put to my promise OneWshfulthnker (9:36:22 PM): then why do i question it so much? OneWshfulthnker (9:36:37 PM): and why would i have feelings for someone else? OneWshfulthnker (9:36:43 PM): i don't underrstand it Alanwaitwhat (9:37:19 PM): honestly I don't know, I don't know why you doubt on your love for me? i don't understand how you can allow that in your heart, or how do you even have the heart to let yourself be put in a situation Alanwaitwhat (9:37:34 PM): i'm trying to figure that out myself also, and i just don't get it OneWshfulthnker (9:37:39 PM): i don't doubt i love you OneWshfulthnker (9:37:41 PM): i do OneWshfulthnker (9:37:42 PM): a lot Alanwaitwhat (9:37:42 PM): i just can't comprehend the situation OneWshfulthnker (9:37:43 PM): but OneWshfulthnker (9:37:50 PM): i doubt us having passion OneWshfulthnker (9:37:53 PM): i don't ffeel it Alanwaitwhat (9:37:59 PM): it might be the fact that we have a long distance relationship Alanwaitwhat (9:38:02 PM): or that you miss me OneWshfulthnker (9:38:11 PM): maybe OneWshfulthnker (9:38:15 PM): i just don't know Alanwaitwhat (9:38:24 PM): and you doubt us having passion Alanwaitwhat (9:38:29 PM): ... OneWshfulthnker (9:38:32 PM): i do OneWshfulthnker (9:38:41 PM): cause i don't get excited like i used to Alanwaitwhat (9:38:54 PM): you're letting some other guy interfere in what we have Alanwaitwhat (9:39:10 PM): do you feel guilty? maybe? perhaps? i don't know Alanwaitwhat (9:39:26 PM): but this guy is completely fucking everything up that I have been working so hard for in my life OneWshfulthnker (9:39:26 PM): i dont' feel guilty Alanwaitwhat (9:39:31 PM): to have a successful marriage OneWshfulthnker (9:39:34 PM): and i'm so confused about athat as well OneWshfulthnker (9:39:41 PM): ALAN OneWshfulthnker (9:39:43 PM): YOU DON'T GET IT OneWshfulthnker (9:39:45 PM): i told you OneWshfulthnker (9:39:56 PM): ever since i got back from tennesee things haven't been the same Alanwaitwhat (9:39:58 PM): calm down, i'm not gettin agitated i'm just telling you how i feel OneWshfulthnker (9:40:00 PM): they jsut haven't OneWshfulthnker (9:40:07 PM): its not just this guy OneWshfulthnker (9:40:11 PM): its not Alanwaitwhat (9:40:15 PM): so theres more OneWshfulthnker (9:40:22 PM): no OneWshfulthnker (9:40:24 PM): not more guys OneWshfulthnker (9:40:43 PM): it just hasn't felt the same OneWshfulthnker (9:40:58 PM): once chris started talking to me when i was on class break Alanwaitwhat (9:41:01 PM): and i said i wish we couldve talked about these things back then we had the chance Alanwaitwhat (9:41:07 PM): I knew it Alanwaitwhat (9:41:09 PM): i so knew it OneWshfulthnker (9:41:11 PM): i wish we could have too OneWshfulthnker (9:41:20 PM): because maybe then i wouldn't feel so resentful Alanwaitwhat (9:41:21 PM): why was i so stupid and naive OneWshfulthnker (9:41:29 PM): what do you mean stupid and naive? Alanwaitwhat (9:41:37 PM): chris started talking to you OneWshfulthnker (9:41:50 PM): not just like that OneWshfulthnker (9:41:53 PM): about everythign Alanwaitwhat (9:41:54 PM): i always kind of just wondered OneWshfulthnker (9:42:04 PM): he was the first one to make me wonder about what i was doing Alanwaitwhat (9:42:21 PM): and you let him influence your thoughts OneWshfulthnker (9:42:25 PM): no OneWshfulthnker (9:42:35 PM): he got me to look outside the box OneWshfulthnker (9:42:39 PM): no one influences me OneWshfulthnker (9:42:45 PM): they just get me to think OneWshfulthnker (9:42:55 PM): its not only boys either OneWshfulthnker (9:43:03 PM): its my friends and my family too Alanwaitwhat (9:43:04 PM): obviously someone who gets you to have butterflies in your stomach does influence you Alanwaitwhat (9:43:20 PM): specially in how you feel towards me OneWshfulthnker (9:43:33 PM): not in my thoughts not OneWshfulthnker (9:43:34 PM): no Alanwaitwhat (9:43:43 PM): but thats how you think of everyone Alanwaitwhat (9:43:50 PM): how does that not influence the way you think? Alanwaitwhat (9:44:10 PM): isn't what you're feeling the same as how you think you feel towards someone? Alanwaitwhat (9:45:20 PM): you're letting others ruin something really beautiful OneWshfulthnker (9:45:36 PM): nothing being ruined by anyone OneWshfulthnker (9:45:50 PM): you are acting like its some big surprise and its not OneWshfulthnker (9:45:52 PM): well not to me Alanwaitwhat (9:46:04 PM): you moved out to TX and it happened OneWshfulthnker (9:46:09 PM): and i TRIED to talk to you SO MANY TIMES and you just didn't want to listen Alanwaitwhat (9:46:11 PM): i am surprised don't act as i am not OneWshfulthnker (9:46:29 PM): you wanted to live in this fairy tale that was never going to be like that Alanwaitwhat (9:46:34 PM): no Alanwaitwhat (9:46:38 PM): i tried to make things right Alanwaitwhat (9:46:51 PM): i tried to provide for you and i couldn't cuz i didn't have what i needed Alanwaitwhat (9:47:08 PM): i wanted to show you more support than just cooking and cleaning Alanwaitwhat (9:47:38 PM): and i was always there for you when you had shitty days at dli, when seargents would pick on you, or something stupid would happen to you Alanwaitwhat (9:47:43 PM): i was always there Alanwaitwhat (9:48:46 PM): its not about me, i know what i want, its really you who has the issues, and as i wrote previously, it hurts really bad that i can't do anything about it OneWshfulthnker (9:48:58 PM): i know i have issues OneWshfulthnker (9:49:02 PM): a lot of them OneWshfulthnker (9:49:07 PM): more than enough OneWshfulthnker (9:49:24 PM): i'm just trying to figure out why this guy facinates me so much when i'm with someone else OneWshfulthnker (9:49:29 PM): i don't get it OneWshfulthnker (9:49:32 PM): i just dont' Alanwaitwhat (9:49:48 PM): i never thought i would hear my wife talk about someone else like this Alanwaitwhat (9:50:00 PM): this is a bunch of bullshit OneWshfulthnker (9:50:04 PM): i didn't foresee this either alan Alanwaitwhat (9:50:07 PM): and its upsetting OneWshfulthnker (9:50:15 PM): its not like i wanted it to happen! Alanwaitwhat (9:50:39 PM): you're letting yourself into the situation Alanwaitwhat (9:51:03 PM): only YOU have the power to say, NO i can't feel like this because there is someone out there who cares for me, who cares for how i feel and see things in life OneWshfulthnker (9:51:05 PM): i really can't help it when i am forced to spend every day around him either alan OneWshfulthnker (9:51:20 PM): and no Alanwaitwhat (9:51:21 PM): its up to YOU to decide how you feel about him OneWshfulthnker (9:51:28 PM): i can't help my feelings OneWshfulthnker (9:51:32 PM): they just happen OneWshfulthnker (9:51:41 PM): thats why they are called FEELINGS Alanwaitwhat (9:51:56 PM): you don't understand, you can control anything you can Alanwaitwhat (9:52:02 PM): you can control your human emotions OneWshfulthnker (9:52:10 PM): no actually you can't OneWshfulthnker (9:52:21 PM): you can try to suppress them but you can't help the way you feel Alanwaitwhat (9:52:22 PM): we are called rational human beings because we have what ewe  call self awareness Alanwaitwhat (9:52:36 PM): that we're not just little animals who just think about natural instinct OneWshfulthnker (9:52:43 PM): we are really just animals alan Alanwaitwhat (9:52:50 PM): i just said we are OneWshfulthnker (9:52:51 PM): super super developed animals OneWshfulthnker (9:53:11 PM): and we do rely on our instincts OneWshfulthnker (9:53:23 PM): it tells us what we really should do in my opinion Alanwaitwhat (9:53:25 PM): no we think, theres a huge difference Alanwaitwhat (9:53:38 PM): we know whats good and whats bad OneWshfulthnker (9:54:21 PM): you ever think thats this world is just a huge dream OneWshfulthnker (9:54:24 PM): and nothing is real? Alanwaitwhat (9:55:02 PM): are you seriuos? you act as i don't read the news, i see people dying everywhere, thats all the news talk about, wars, crisis, poverty, disease OneWshfulthnker (9:55:15 PM): no Alanwaitwhat (9:55:18 PM): i'm very aware of my surroundings and what is going on in some political aspects OneWshfulthnker (9:55:21 PM): i do know you read the news OneWshfulthnker (9:55:28 PM): but how do we know everything is real? Alanwaitwhat (9:55:43 PM): but i'm just looking out for who i care the most and doing the best for myself and who i love the most, i'm not going to let that iterfere with our personal life OneWshfulthnker (9:55:46 PM): what if there is no god, and this is just some sketched version of reality Alanwaitwhat (9:57:09 PM): I don't know, if there's not god then there is nothing you can believe on other than thinking that we evolved from primates, but then how did apes just appear? has this world been existing for thousands of millions of years? and it just got so old that apes were forced to evolve into humans? you are allowed to believe whatever you want to believe Alanwaitwhat (9:57:28 PM): I chose to keep faith and to think positive, that my acts reflect on my everyday happenings in life OneWshfulthnker (9:57:32 PM): i do believe we just evolved OneWshfulthnker (9:57:35 PM): and there is no god Alanwaitwhat (9:57:41 PM): and i know i can inlfuence anything i want to OneWshfulthnker (9:57:42 PM): to me, everything is pure science Alanwaitwhat (9:58:08 PM): that's totally fine, i understand Charles Darwin theory, and i see where you're coming from OneWshfulthnker (9:58:17 PM): everything evolved from the most minute organism OneWshfulthnker (9:58:29 PM): the big bang theory and all that good stuff OneWshfulthnker (9:58:33 PM): if there WAS a god OneWshfulthnker (9:58:42 PM): then why would he allow so much suffering? Alanwaitwhat (9:59:22 PM): you can't ask God for something good to happen instantly, it takes time, it takes faith and loyalty, devotion and respect OneWshfulthnker (9:59:46 PM): then what about darfur? Alanwaitwhat (9:59:48 PM): i may not be a pure follower of the catholic and christian religion but I know what I have been taught in school as a kid, and thats just how i was raised OneWshfulthnker (9:59:50 PM): and the holocaust OneWshfulthnker (10:00:05 PM): all the millions of people who have it so bad Alanwaitwhat (10:00:38 PM): you mean about all those people who died? OneWshfulthnker (10:00:45 PM): and are dying right now OneWshfulthnker (10:00:47 PM): as we speak OneWshfulthnker (10:00:52 PM): for no good reason Alanwaitwhat (10:01:15 PM): it is the human greed, the impulse to own power more than what they already have OneWshfulthnker (10:01:51 PM): they why would a god let innocent people die? Alanwaitwhat (10:01:57 PM): its never enough and it will never be, everyone is fighting for something really hard to achieve, but they're trying because they keep faith and also because they're been told by a superior individual who thinks can govern us Alanwaitwhat (10:02:41 PM): its the cycle of life that was created, nothing will ever lasts forever, it can't happen, it is pointless unless we were designed and made out of metal to last a million years and later be renewed Alanwaitwhat (10:03:26 PM): i have been getting into re encarnation, but i'm still reading about it and i'm not sure if i want to believe that we actually live another life as another type of living creature OneWshfulthnker (10:04:02 PM): well alan OneWshfulthnker (10:04:10 PM): if we make it and if we have kids OneWshfulthnker (10:04:19 PM): they will not be forced to go to church OneWshfulthnker (10:04:24 PM): i dont' believe it in Alanwaitwhat (10:04:27 PM): i was never forced OneWshfulthnker (10:04:50 PM): and i think its a lot of falsehood that teaches people to live by this skewed set of rules Alanwaitwhat (10:04:53 PM): its something voluntary, something you choose to follow noone forced me to believe on the things i believe now, its my life and i make decisions OneWshfulthnker (10:05:20 PM): to me, its an individual, meaningless life, and you make your own rules Alanwaitwhat (10:05:31 PM): how is it meaningless? Alanwaitwhat (10:05:35 PM): is there no purpose to life? Alanwaitwhat (10:05:42 PM): so shouldn't we just be born OneWshfulthnker (10:05:44 PM): i don't think so , no Alanwaitwhat (10:05:47 PM): and then 4 minutes later be put down Alanwaitwhat (10:05:48 PM): ? OneWshfulthnker (10:05:58 PM): we are animals Alanwaitwhat (10:05:59 PM): thats a meaningful life OneWshfulthnker (10:06:12 PM): who just happen to live for 80+ years

Must dos in the next 24 hours [Sunday January 20th At 1:47AM] [ mood | lonely ] Grow up. One way or another, I'm a married man now. Torch the shovels!

Happy Birthday to my Brother! [Wednesday January 16th At 2:54AM] [ mood | pensive ] [ music | Owls ] I don't even think he knows I have one of these, but hell, I'd like to inform you all that today is my brother's birthday He's 20 today, and he still looks 5 years older than me.  It almost feels as if he would have been the one to get married, since, well, since he looks much elder than myself.  He's 20, not very neat, but he really is the greatest brother I have.  He also has a good attitude towards life situations, such as dealing with breakups, dealing with financial matter, and he has great talents. RJ as he likes to be called (which stands for Ronald Javier) is an amazing graffitti artist, no joke, he has some of his work in his site, his room, the house, my aunt's house, and a couple bridges all around different cities.  I wish he would teach me, but I will leave that to him, its kind of his own thing, and I don't want to bother him. Lately the only thing we have in common is Monster Hunter Freedom 2 for the PSP, I'm not going to lie and say that this game blows, but gawd damn it, this is an amazing game; youtube this mother if you want to check it out, RPGs rule!!! and Halo 3 still sucks in my opinion. I can still remember when my dad would beat me up in Peru because I did something wrong, and in the background I could hear the voices of my brother screaming at my dad and telling him to stop.  When my dad would leave the room, he would come in, and we would hug and he used to see if my wounds were bad; not that it matter, because we would sleep in the same bed at the end of the night.  It was always weird because the next day we would be back to fighting; but that's just how little brothers and sisters are I suppose. My brother is a good guy, he has a lot to offer, a great heart, many skills to put in use, and in top of that, he will be done with his Mechanical Engineering career in 5 months at Wyotech.  He did it! This didn't come easy though, my folks have been working their asses off.  They still work doing newspaper delivery for more than 6 years now, that is rough, no breaks, days off, holidays or days off in case you get sick; its just 24/7, 365.  In top of that, my mother looks for any possible way to gain more money during the day; doing packing for people who are about to move out, if not, cleaning or taking care of children in Palo Alto.  My father, well he has enough work to keep himself busy.  All this money goes towards my brother's courses that he's taking at Wyotech.  I admire them for it. The new year has begun and it feels as if it is going to be a good year, I have made my resolution and it was to stop drinking soda (and I'm doing very good so far), but I feel as if I'm missing something more meaningful when it comes down to these type of things. I mean I'm taking care of myself by not drinking any (because it causes your bladder to produce kidney stones) but at the same time, I still smoke bud; no biggie, it is kind of hypocritical but I'm not tripping.  I need to find something else, maybe, stop daydreaming and actually get started doing what I always wanted to do, like procrastinating when it comes down to learning to play new instruments, besides piano. It has been a week since grandpa passed away, I don't know what else to say about this other than this really sucks.  I want to let it out, but it feels like I just can't.  I have my mentality set to "move on" right now, and whatever happens, it happens for the best.  Grandpa Eloy was a good man, "always straight, never look back, with your feet planted in the ground, and your eyes open to watch over and in front of you" he said, and that is the best advice someone could have ever given me.  Grandma Bertha in the other hand was a sweetheart, known as one of the most charismatic people in the town that I grew up in; hard-working woman, respectful, with a huge sense of humor.  That is how I remember her.  She used to feed me so well when I would go to her house.  Man did she spoiled me.  For some reason, the worst things happen to those who have a huge impact in our lives.  I am thankful for these. On the other hand, my mamacita got her laptop today.  I saw her on her webcam and it felt like she never left me here.  I still feel lonely when I go to bed though, its not the same.  I just need to apply at Barefoot Coffee Roasters this week, and hope that I get a job there.  This should be easy since Kyle works there and he's the manager as well (hi kyle!!!), but I really do need to turn in a well written essay about what is it that I like coffee so much and why do I want to work there.  I almost want to put a word in 2 pieces of paper, in font size 80, in the first one, it shall say Fuck, in the next one, it may say Starbucks.  Maybe I grew up to really enjoy doing Latte Art, or becoming familiar with the whole traditional way of making coffee in Italy, with someone who would push me to my limits.  This will make time go faster since I will keep myself busy at all times, and at the same time make time go by faster because I really miss her. I don't know if I overthink things too much, but sometimes it feels as if noone wants to hang out with the married guy anymore...it's weird.  The people I know is probably all the people that I need to have around me.  Maybe I don't need to becoming everyone's ass kisser so I can hang out with them.  But it just bothers me sometimes, I probably sound like a dick sometimes, and I know I can be one.  I probably don't even think of the things that I say, until its a little late.  But that's just how I am.  Fuck it, smoke break. over and out. Torch the shovels!

How the fuck am I in debt for $3284.84? [Friday January 11th At 3:52AM] [ mood | ? ] [ music | The Pharcyde - Pack the pipe ] Seriously?!!!!! To be honest I thought it was 4k last time I checked I am not complaining though. I'm just curious, I guess those last transactions went through I guess really getting your duties done before your goodies, really pays out. I got a free scanner/printer/copy machine thing!!! brand new and hasn't been opened yet It's so sweet, now I can scan some of those old drawings. if you get a chance mr/mrs reader, check out the Pharcyde Torch the shovels!

dickbra! [Thursday January 10th At 3:39AM] [ mood | stoned ] [ music | Dangers - My wonder years never got canceled ] That was probably the best thing that ever happened that night at the Oddstad well, that and seeing everyone in Redwood city, to sit down meeting new people and smoke a bowl w/ strangers, the becoming friends w/ those strangers, it was some good night fun alright. Although, i was bummed Dangers couldn't make it, fuck. I think this is one of the best times to ride your bike, but that's just me, I like biking in the rain...stoned So I just might take the train to redwood and bike my way around, and sometimes skate...but the park is gotten weird, I see weird ass people I have never seen in my life...it was awkward to arrive and then be ready for high fives and noone is there...what the fuck kind of shit is that?! fuck it...I just mind my own business, tune in some nice beats, and I bounce like a fat bitch out of that place, and skate somewhere else, but its kind of hard to do, because you live in Sunnyvale and to leave, would be a waste of gas ocasionally this floor is very comfortable by the way. But damn, I can't get over the fact that I saw so many faces again, its like I left for so long, but it felt so good to see them again WOOOO! But at the same time, I'm also kind of bummed, my grandfather (abuelito Eloy) passed away on tuesday, and it hurts.  I think it hurts me more to see my dad cry.  I have never seen my old man to cry like that.  In fact, I have never seen him cry.  Other than the time when he cried when Samantha (hi mamacita!)left to TX for TS training.  Which also adds to everything else that is going on in my life right now. It really sucks that I won't get to see my mamacita in another two months, that is if I get to save enough to pay for a ticket to TX, and pay off my gawd damn bill to reactivate my phone line. Money sucks ass, but like my brother said "fool don't even trip about money, it comes and goes" at the time I was stoned, so it made PERFECT SENSE! When it comes down to jobs, right now I'm just throwing applications here and there, to see where I'll be working at.  I also turned in an application to Rasputin, it would be rad to get hired there and just chill, kind of like the time that I worked at tower records for a short time.  But lately I have been helping this lady move out of her house, so I just do packaging, a bunch of crazy stuff; and its tite $12.50 the hour, 7 hours a day for 5 days, and  CUH CHEEN! Lately I have been listening to so much more new music, than I'm already starting a little proj w/ Colin, we're starting from less than the very scratch, but it'll take time and practice, so, I want to at least try to play a show at some point or maybe 3, become a cover band of punk/hardcore/ bands, that would be awesome too, have like 2 or 3 shows xsharkpunchx status and dissapear, bahahah, but we're working on it, and when it comes out, dude...!!! I hope someone is reading this, I should have my own show or something, and then tapioca drinks would be involved, whatever I don't even give a fuck. So that wraps about everything that is going on in my life. much love to everyone. and lets trying to kick it yeah?! 4 torched the treasure! // Torch the shovels!

positive [Friday July 20th At 6:50PM] It's about the only way to go.  It's just the way things should be. Torch the shovels!

things have gotten better [Wednesday July 11th At 2:08AM] [ mood | cheerful ] [ music | Tai Chi Music ] I'm looking up to new days I forgot that if I really want something I CAN FUCKING MAKE IT HAPPEN AND NO ONE ELSE its just a matter of how badly I want it I watched a movie that has changed my views in life and I STRONGLY recommend it for everyone else that knows me, has seen me, or heard about me no joke It is one of those things that noone knows and I really want to share with everyone because it is THAT powerful This movie is called The Secret: The Law Of Attraction that's all I have to say other than that, I love my life, I'm a new person and for the first time in so long I have been SOBER!!!!!!! and it feels fucking good we got a new kitten its a 6 week old rescued kitten we drove 2 hours to get it after well, driving 2 hours to get home if YOU really want it, YOU can get it please please PLEASE watch this film so far the only people who I know has watched it, its Kyle Grothouse, my mother, and my lovely dear beautiful wife. I encourage you, suggest you and CHALLENGE YOU to watch it. Torch the shovels!

uppers and downers [Friday June 29th At 2:04PM] [ music | okkervil river ] one second I'm completely happy the next one I feel like shit gasping for air, balling, pretending, hoping, everything is ok whate ever happened to keeping posi? well fuck that shit what do you have left when you know you'll end up like this I honestly don' t know what's wrong maybe I AM difficult maybe I don't know those words have been stuck on my head "you're difficult alan" they have been caving their way into my head nonstop scratching, scooping, drilling, and just not leaving I think I have watched so much, lived so much, and heared so much that its finally getting to me at 22 years old, I am married, and should be enjoying every god damn second of it and now I find myself w/ my mother's voice echo in the back of my head saying "come back home, I don't like hearing you like this" fuck, this really is a quest I don't even know who I am anymore? to be honest I really don't it feels like noone cares and the wife that is supposed to be there for you hasn't called you in days is she having fun? whatever right? integrity right? is better for her to have fun rather than been stuck w/ someone like me, in an ocassion like this I almost feel as if I should do something dramatic I can't say change, well, there's no way that's happening, I like who I am right now but I am not %100 sure of what the fuck am I doing w/ my life. I am so confused lesson learned: words do hurt more than actions another thing: you may forgive and forget, but secretly you know you always remember what happened, no matter what, you, will not forget, because its just, so raw I guess,  hurt so much that, well, your mind will never let go this can't be good I really think I need to go see la familia right now I don't even know how to feel right now 1 torched the treasure! // Torch the shovels!

its [Thursday June 28th At 12:06PM] [ music | Santana ] I should finish my subject line but then again I don't know what to think of "it" I'm starting to think I am simply losing touch Torch the shovels!

and [Wednesday June 27th At 12:56PM] [ mood | indescribable ] [ music | making the band is playing ] why does it look like we're competting on who, out of both of us? is having more fun than the other while still being away from his/her significant other why does she like to make me want to acnowledge that? i know she misses her friends and all, but hey, I'm not rubbing it all up on everyone's business fuck it, whatever. This kind of shit makes me really uncomfy i just don't understand I  just don't understand women. Torch the shovels!

what the fuck? [Friday June 22nd At 5:27PM] [ mood | cranky ] [ music | the #12 - if these bullets could talk ] at her telling me "you are difficult" and "you turn everything into an argument or at least try to" and to "you try to run down everything you like" it doesn't even make sense when she does the same. so tonight on, action news, Alan is apparently difficult, and likes to turn everything into an argument well, she leaves tomorrow at 3am which means I have to wake my ass up before that fuck and then i'll be alone at this place for a week The part that I hate the most is that when she steps back in, she makes it seem like nothing happened. well, fuck sex then. that's right, fuck sex. Torch the shovels!

Sometimes... [Wednesday June 13th At 7:03PM] [ music | Bone Thugs N Harmony -Home ] Is hard for me to talk to my brother but it always works perfect when something really bad happened to us. Like a girlfriend broke up w/ either of us and to be honest I wasn't mr hotstuff, or right now, in fact, I never thought about it, but I always considered myself just not as good looking as everyone else, I feel, well, less. But that's not the point Well I don't know what to tell my brother to make him feel better I always thought they looked like they seriously at their age found that other someone. But, it almost looks as if, girls sometimes want that Well, is it because they're young? or just one of them is just, per say, fucked up? I don't think so, she's awesome, she really is In my opnion, I thought of my brother's best est and greatest girlfriend But I wish things would last longer I wish I knew how to make him feel better, it kind of bugs me, a lot but he's the kind of guy who is really successible to things kind of circumstances but soon enought he'll get back on his feet like nothing even happened I hate knowing he's emotionally hurt It really bugs me I don't get it, why does one of them always have to end things w/ their "loved" ones? Knowing of course that he'd probably be loyal to you for the rest of your life?Isn't that what relationships are mean to be tied? Fuck man this genres are all twisted lately, I think there's so much MTV and TV in general inputting the perception: Relationships are whack and lets have a slutfest instead.  What the fuck went wrong? 1 torched the treasure! // Torch the shovels!

no [Friday June 8th At 8:00AM] this is too fucking depressing.  I don't know what to do. Torch the shovels!

funny [Friday June 8th At 3:22AM] <img src ="http://www.trixiepixgraphics.com/images/valentines-suck.jpg"> Torch the shovels!

fuckkkkkkkk dood! [Thursday June 7th At 6:18PM] [ mood | FUCK YOU MOOD ] [ music | no fucking music I'm pissed off ] I seriously fucking hate girls pms ing not every girl because every girl has a different mood when they pms but she just gets this mood swings and says things that she wouldn't say when she's not pmsing I love le wife and all but I wish things weren't like this in top of that we get 10 bucks off the atm to do laundry, so she tells me, "on the way home, on Fremont Ave there's a car wash, you can go get change there" so my dumbass gets there, puts the fuckin 5 bucks first on the thingie and i get motherfucking tokens yes motherfucking tokens how the fuck am i supposed to do laundry w/ fucking tokens gawd damn it, today isn't that great exce[t for I watched hostel part 2 at home, and it isn't even out on theatres yet ima go watch the messengers now gawd damn it fucking tokens and pmsing throw me off I swear fuck PMS ing Torch the shovels!

surprise [Tuesday June 5th At 11:26PM] [ music | Mad3 ] Dood, we left early for her class early morning she didn't call me during lunch so I figured I should surprise her. When she got home, she found the entire house clean, that kitten had eaten, the bunny had eaten, and she found delicious food when she got home. It was awesome, because she was complaining about how hungry she was when I was picking her up from class. It was such a great feeling After eating lunch together we went outside to wash the car together. It was sunny and amazing, we talked about how we could see the details on the mountains on the back; it was then continued w/ washing our car together, man I never had so much fun washing cars, but there I was. Today was a great day. I'm going to surprise her in different ways more often from now on. Torch the shovels!

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